mentalkace

2012-01-14T20:31:00.000-06:00

i don't know who my tears are for.
they arrive unlabeled,
teaspoons.
room temperature tripping
a child falling down the slopes
of this frozen face.

i cry for you
i think.
for your fire
for your disappearance
for your defiance
i cry for you
i think.
for your bold escape
daily
like a prayer.
i think.
i'll save you a tear
i'll write your name on it
in mascara.
i think
i'll say things to God for you.
i'll tell him about your hair
and how soft it is
how you clean your sneakers
how you hold my paniced hand
instinctively. how you ask me to relax.
how you look into our air and see music.
how human you are.
how i battle my heart
to not love you
but i do,
i think.
and all these tears are for you.
i think.

2011-12-21T00:26:00.002-06:00

Goodbye
goodbye is a language of it's own
it speaks in an absence
it puts tears on repeat
goodbye writes a name
on everything.
goodbye honks
when the light turns green
goodbye is startling
goodbye is anorexic
goodbye is starving.
goodbye speaks for itself
it lays you down
keeping you up
it dreams for you
while you wrestle with
unopened promises.
goodbye tells the same story
again to the same
friendly person
and goodbye is determined
to solve the problem
but it is as blind as you are deaf
to this silence
that goodbye left.

2011-12-02T22:21:00.000-06:00

Flight

all my words are birds

blocked in a headlock.

snapped awake

like an alarm clock.

every curse

to demonstrate

i act

like an acrobat

and flip the switch

all my limbs intact.

the type shakes

but you don't react,

that is that.

2011-11-24T15:36:00.000-06:00

bay hound,

hound bay.

bellow

to the

sorrowful

holiday.

overachiever,

rattling weather.

a simple blue sky

more beautiful then you

or them or i...

flying.

the rafters come lower.

the town is over dressed

in out of towners

and one lone dog

cries to the loners.

2011-11-22T19:24:00.000-06:00

alone at Ihop

eavesdropping

numb stare of eyes

the blue of pavement, flecked

maple syrup on my elbows

elbows on the table

conversations like birds

snickering around me

"he was the one with the swollen throat... throat cancer i think.. smoking."

that's an elderly man. sing songy.

"my defects... well i haven't gotten there yet."

a young man. pride.

and then i hide my phone in my lap and play tetris

i pretend to be texting

a black haired boy across the aisle is snapping away at his video game.

not hiding. greasy haired. all in black. not hiding.

i contemplate bulimia.

but i'm already attached to my swelling belly.

i give up.

i twitch and tick. I mind less and less.

why does age take such caring, such pretense away?

screw it, i think. i'm interesting to watch.

i'm hiding and i fit in,

i fit into my hiding place.

2011-11-19T17:44:00.000-06:00

there are too many poems in my heart

they waste my words on you

they make me alone

sugarless tracks in the snow

dragging my eyes

across bright burning cold.

i saw what i wanted to see

until the truth saw me.

2011-10-25T08:04:00.000-05:00

a wave of stars

smashed up against your word

trash talk

dreams i can't remember anymore.

we were so long ago.

french kissing in the car

our eyes met on a thin line of lightning

our bodies jagged electricity

like how one travels down a mountain.

you are the son of your own destiny

and i am something else,

entirely.

2011-10-18T17:58:00.000-05:00

Hurricane katrina

jesus loves whores

so you are forgiven by someone.

don't be flattered,

your sins are not original.

god did not put a third step between your two step

and my love. on blue and broken feet.

green fields you plowed through,

were picture windows blown out.

lives are so tender! i shout,

you broke the glass animal that was my heart.

smug bitch,

where are your words of wisdom now?

i divorce your quiet

with my own confessions

on this unsigned document

of the truth.

2011-10-18T08:20:00.000-05:00

my superpower is love.

2011-09-28T22:09:00.000-05:00

i have cramps
a couple of days ago the sky was a blue color i have never seen before.
it was an unrecognizable sky
i snapped a paranormal photograph with my eyes.
my heart is driving to the desert
i sigh
i curl into the italian
a short cry
and for dreams are his

2011-09-25T17:57:00.001-05:00

i am not enough
he is not enough
there is never enough
enough is enough is enough is enough (song i danced to in the fifth grade in my bedroom covered in horse ribbons).
enough already
enough said

2011-09-25T17:51:00.000-05:00

The problem with a heart
is that it doesn't have a brain.
I think a heart has limits.
i don't want it to..
but i think it does.
when is enough enough?
when is it not enough?
when does love say no!
...stop and let go.
i don't fucking know!

2011-09-09T14:03:00.000-05:00

dreamt my dad was off-roading in a cadillac, jumping it into an unswimmable river on the east side. i had a horse in a hospital elevator. the horse got nervous when i did. he quivered and tensed..

i drove in circles.
narcotic romantic
circles.
my loves crashed
into me trying to swerve
away.

i don't learn
and neither do they.

2011-09-02T03:10:00.000-05:00

how do you miss something you never became?

2011-08-24T08:51:00.000-05:00

Afterlife

not often enough

are we speaking

in reference to afterlife

to the understanding

of our limits on legs

underfoot

the monster undertow

of tomorrow

is like a camouflaged submarine

barely crawling.

a magnet below us

pulling.

we laugh and scream

and finger cars

that cut us off

and slow our progress

to another meaningless

meeting of details,

sketches of something

we plan to goddamn make happen.

and every breath taken for granted

until this magic carpet is pulled out from under us

and we awake to the simple ending

ahead of all of us.

2011-07-25T22:51:00.000-05:00

i want skinnier legs.

i am all human.

i am perfect.

i hate myself.

i thank God for what i have.

i am full of opposites.

i am in the trenches and high as a kite.

and low drowning in the river

and skating on fragile ice.

i am nothing

and if not everything

sigh. i want skinnier legs.

2011-07-23T20:34:00.000-05:00

Clouds

we ran in tight circles

that stretched into serpentines,

ribbon candy and sparrows.

we parked behind the Toys R Us

in the air conditioned car.

we split a sandwich

and put our sunglasses on the dash.

we watched the greenbelt do the wave,

the clouds demonstrating their talent.

the trees like people in stadium seats

a sweep of shadow crossing the wooded valley

leaving behind a gulley

flush with light.

sometimes romance

is a surprise exhibition from clouds.

2011-07-19T15:13:00.000-05:00

we are always who we were

2011-07-11T19:35:00.001-05:00

go on.

with your bad self.

2011-07-08T09:47:00.000-05:00

i haven't blogged in awhile. i'm busy. certainly not less to say.. but i've been putting it into songs rather than poetry. also i have no internet at my apartment right now. which is awesome! which sucks!

i'm working at the coffee shop again. i am a grateful barista. the money is good, the customers are beautiful and i drink coffee all day. it is a very good situation.

the band is playing lots of shows and we are getting better and better. i love those guys. they have given me my heart back. every show we do i feel happier and happier. it is like life has been breathed back in me.

i am waking up with songs in my mouth. there is a marching band on a loop through me.. making circles of my thoughts.. making stories of my circles.. making songs from scratch.

2011-06-19T09:32:00.000-05:00

Dance hall

the stars were widespread

dappled dark horse

sky. texas night.

black heart

trucks parked

outside the dance hall

below the whore house.

no one died here though

i can feel it

the lack of ghosts.

something is missing.

it's saturday night

and the kids are all dancing

like ponies

in circles

around and around the ring.

and i stand

judge and observer

audience member

against a post

my failing back out.

smiling.

a slow and quiet grieving.

2011-06-10T09:01:00.000-05:00

i grew a little this week.

i found some really scary weakness in myself and then i discovered the strength that has kept that weakness from destroying me all along.

i saw beautiful things like when the moon looked like a dirty smile and when i witnessed my dog seeing an old friend and expressing her content for that reunion. i saw myself begin to do the wrong thing and was able to stop myself before i did something stupid. and i also found myself taking care of myself at any cost.

i forgave some friends for being human and that gave me some forgiveness for myself. i sweat my ass off on stage. i felt pretty sometimes. i didn't care what people thought. i loved someone as hard as i could and he accepted my love. neat miracles happened! i cried over them. i shared myself with the possibility of rejection. i wasn't rejected.

i ate sour patch kids candies.

2011-06-04T07:49:00.000-05:00

The authority of demons

i'm trying not to love him

but my scars are burning.

my heart so strong

is unhealing.

his demons are winning.

i begged him to fight for me

but his demons are winning.

mine are coming in a close second,

that which bears mentioning.

my scars are changing

my heart unbeating

i've gathered all the evidence

and his demons are winning.

this dark dance.

this hunter pace.

the sky blasts open

in a horse breaking race.

every house is leveled

we end at the beginning

again and again

his demons are winning.

2011-05-15T23:10:00.000-05:00

my fingers ache with words i can't say.

the tremble is love

and deep loss

and you flying away.

you have seen me at my emptiest

now tuck me back into my blue jay nest.

the trees will grow up around me

ageless.

goodbye is for suckers

and i'm getting used to this.

2011-05-11T02:33:00.000-05:00

earth silence..

the machines are making all the noise.

the mustard sky keeps changing it's mind .

for over and over it went,

it went into ragtime.

these tics are a dance-off on my cheekbones.

regret like a loosening jawline.

wake up senorita

you are hook line and mission impossible.

keep telling me things.

a need to know is burgeoning

when so recently i knew everything

and now such nothing.

i think about this for five clicks

from the kitchen. no more thinking.

let's know nothing.

2011-05-02T14:32:00.000-05:00

The fall

my body remembers how to fall.

at first it is a confusion

i am upside down or not

i spit to see.

but then the knowing

that full moment when i accept

that i am in fact dropping.

that i don't control the speed

that i don't control the stars

there are no decisions in a falling

just spinning. and waiting.

for the violence of a landing.

2011-04-22T13:33:00.000-05:00

(i dreamed)

i painted his eyes

and his insides

it was an abstract.

when i awoke

my hair was in a tangle

my tongue in knots

my spine stuck.

the sheets were wet

with sweat

and salted tears.

i misunderstand

(disassociate),

love way too deep

and run off.

i have to sit somewhere alone

and hold my own hands

to cup

the gravity of his face

and the tornado of mistakes

i will most likely

continue to make.

2011-04-17T15:28:00.001-05:00

2011-04-12T17:19:00.000-05:00

in a world full of beasts..

i love this beast most of all.

she brings me joy

when i can find none on my own.

she turns tears into laughter,

loss into gravity.

she is my truest heart..

my angel beast.

2011-04-12T08:49:00.000-05:00

Open heart surgery

i am remembering the early 90's today. the streets of new york city. hand in hand with my future ex-husband. we have no idea do we? the beauty that awaits.. the devastation.. the miles of numbness.. the injuries.. the spells of joy. my legs fell fast asleep as the avenues stretched from harlem to the diamond district but he pulled me along. my heart like an engine that would not die.. i could have walked to maryland.

he was my boyfriend then. he was sleeping on his brother's floor uptown. i was sleeping in my childhood bedroom. i took the train into the city once a week to visit. nothing had happened yet. we were still going to be very famous. we were still going to travel and have adventures. we still held hands everywhere.. we had no life together.. we had no money yet.. no house.. no favorite television shows.. no private jokes.. no mutual friends.. no bed.. no christmas decorations.. no nightly candlelit dinners.. no little dog to love like the baby i couldn't have.. no change.. no disappointment in each other.. no what ifs.. no fence that he took two years to paint.. no relapse for me to disappear into.. no in-laws to resent.. no big bank accounts.. no bankruptcy.. no record deal.. no lust.. no anti-depressants.. no sad silence.. no sex life to sabotage.. no backyard for me to spend a summer staring out the window at.. no baseball card collections.. no clothes i did not need.. no separate vacations.. no history. we were just a boyfriend and a girlfriend walking thirteen miles straight down the middle of new york city like the first impatient and clean cut into a wedding cake. and i am remembering it like i'm tracing the long thin line of an open heart surgery scar.

2011-04-08T10:00:00.000-05:00

France, 1999

i closed my eyes.

more than a thousand yesterdays ago.

i swallowed sleeping pills and cried

a few poems.

i prayed with the canadian christian girl

who i was sharing the room with.

she told me god had a plan for me.

so i slept like a child.

in the morning

i stood on my train legs and walked to the window.

then sat shaky

looking out over the rooftops of Paris.

the roofs of Paris like beautiful rotting birthday cake.

2011-03-25T06:05:00.000-05:00

Lush

i sink back

into the tank

where all heart is delivered.

wounds deepen

my voice becomes hoarse

like a child's voice

from crying out.

i found a diving board in you

faith

a form of pain relief

dumb luck

siting the page you arrived on

shirtless and kissing.

i've taken more than my share

but in the end time will even the wage

nothing is unfair

or everything is unfair. it's the same.

it's death then life then death then life

born into reborn and buried for that birth.

will my life be this grid of no i don't

but in that square i did

such drunken measurements

are on the high side again.

where is God when you are making these decisions kid?

where is God this morning?

simple ghosts

nail beds, tapping

shoulder, tongue, lips

the notes of a prayer

i can say anything

and everything here.

this dream is lush.

2011-03-22T08:27:00.000-05:00

2011-03-21T08:48:00.000-05:00

i was brave enough to say i do

and brave enough to say

i can't anymore.

2011-03-20T15:45:00.000-05:00

paperboats

2011-03-18T10:39:00.000-05:00

liars & saints, sxsw 2011

2011-03-08T08:39:00.000-06:00

Was just thinking

laws of the universe are one size fits all. i thought this as i ripped the foil lid off of a fresh cream topped coffee flavored yogurt. a small corner of the foil remained and as i clumsily peeled it off it occurred to me that, "if i drop it, i still have two fresh cups left but in three days i will be thinking about this cup and how had i just been more careful i would have a delicious cup of yogurt waiting in my refrigerator for me." and then i thought about money and how it is the same way.. that when wasted or simply lost one always looks back and misses it when it is gone. and in a very different way then when you are just broke and have spent it all. waste is a powerful thing. your bones know it.

2011-03-06T08:29:00.003-06:00

i had a good hard cry this morning watching a You Tube video of soldiers coming home and surprising their children. the faces of their deep love broke my heart open. one of those children was a golden retriever that bolted out the front door with absolute glee towards his poppa. it was beautiful. love is beautiful. love that is no choice of your own. love that owns you. love that you belong to. love that chose you. that is true love. and you are already in it.

2011-03-01T00:29:00.000-06:00

Thoughts running through my brain

*i'm not sure i believe in the concept of Karma.

*will's idea of his being an asshole is so far from being an asshole that i can only smile and say thank you God.

*the best word in the world is... become. becoming.

*Target.

*i'm in a band i'm in a band i'm in a band... (this never gets old for me or less cool)

*ssooo tiReed

2011-02-26T08:37:00.000-06:00

dear morning. i am pretty happy. drinking instant coffee in my artificially frozen one bedroom. so close to the green belt that i have only been to once. my dog is snoring in her leopard snuggie against me and music videos are on the tube. yesterday i got the amazing news that the boys in Liars & Saints all want me in the band. i said, "yesssssss" because i love those sweet men and they are everyone of them uber talented and wonderful and i have always admired each of them and now i get to write and play songs with them. i'm a lucky girl. i'm a liar and a saint! .sincerely

2011-02-25T20:12:00.000-06:00

i am obsessed with this Reckoner Dress by Secret Squirrel.

the I'm Not Like Them collection = the loveliest chill.

it makes me want to picnic in a field of paper flowers..

on a cold day.. my winter white legs goosebumping..

lookie...

http://secretsquirrellabel.com/collections/im-not-like-them-2/?image=25

2011-02-23T07:15:00.000-06:00

Holy

loss reshapes us

it cuts a new path through the high grass.

i am running down it.

blackberries

crushing under my feet

accidental wine making

thorns catching on my sleeves

ghosts reminding me

that i am still so fleshy

a human of holes

and thinning bones.

but still

some high and holy mystery

fuels me.

2011-02-20T08:43:00.000-06:00

it turns out that boobs solve most problems.

2011-02-13T11:38:00.000-06:00

hungry like the wolf

2011-02-12T11:42:00.000-06:00

The damage

i stayed loyal to a liar.

he left an ugly stain

like spreading ink

and black water.

killing

all the pretty

young

and fancy lilies.

a phantom limb,

the ache comes out of nowhere.

and i run away

my heart a sick liver.

a stunned

and bleeding baby

a swollen lip

a fever.

my old flame

and my palms on the burner.

that long and lost year

in his corner.

2011-02-06T10:53:00.000-06:00

The promise

i have learned so many lessons.

they have come at me

like knives-

me the spinning wheel-a-girl.

with the closed eyes.

determined to be experienced

i held a shimmy grip as i climbed

the authority of the wind

pulling at me like a riptide

leaving pieces of my insides

that i wore on the outside

on the mountainside.

i made a bed of rocks

and ran back towards the shortcut

only to find a desert

dried and moonless.

one set of footprints

one year of thirst.

i have been thrown.

trampled.

punched

and drowned.

dragged lifeless to the shore

and forced back down

only to jump in

the shark rigged water

the dark ring.

i crawl home again

bruised and bleeding

beaten.

but he is a gentle lesson.

a sweet reminder

that life is a kiss on the steps.

life is a constant beginning

it is unexpected innocence

it is.

innocence.

that you can expect

you never would have believed it

if promised.

which it is.

promised.

i promise you. you are innocent.

2011-01-30T07:50:00.000-06:00

life is so surprising and constantly wowing me. about ten years ago i remember thinking that all my choices had been made.. boy was i wrong. it seems funny and so very innocent now. as if at thirty i was who i would always be. i have been through many changes since then. musical, romantic, addiction, financial, career, creative... every deep level and each surface side of me becoming and unbecoming.. losing color and then turning into the bright spectrum, then fading to pastel only to become florescent. life is ugly. life is beautiful. it is God and love and horses and birds and weeping willows. it's apples and monkeys and pavement. it's an old set of keys and brand new winter coat. it's perfume and scars and cowboy boots. it's his dad's piano and the moon and broken hearts and burning embers. life is a scratched and warped record that you still try to play. it's the dance no one invited you to and a ruined surprise party. it's also a kiss and noodles and high heels and diving boards. it's a hangover, lemons, sunrise, music, a dented pickup truck. it's your memory and your day dreams. and your quiet hope. and my quiet hope.

2011-01-24T20:55:00.000-06:00

there is a past we don't know about within us.

it haunts us.

the clocks are plucking birds from graves and shocking them to sing.

and it's just you and i

remembering

nothing.

a good sunday cry

a tear. one drop. rolls from your eye

into mine

and i cry.

we don't always remember the beauty we miss

you called it homesick.

my homemade cure

was a hug and a kiss.

work, i wished.

there is a future we don't plan within us

it wakes us.

2011-01-16T07:46:00.000-06:00

i tell stories... they improvise skits... fun!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7TQSylYciI&feature=player_embedded

2011-01-02T10:16:00.000-06:00

my sheets have him tangled he is a sweet and low perfume from the next room. sweat and weed and sex and sleep he sounds like the timber of a birch tree. sad moon a sad moon a bird song calls it calls me from feathers

as i fall.

i heard guitars in heavenly stereo

up above

i leapt

and landed in love.

2011-01-01T10:48:00.000-06:00

2010...

it was a difficult and beautiful year. my heart opened, closed and then opened again. there were times when i felt like i was never going to grow up. but i did..

i survived the heartbreak of my life. i did it with tears and friendship and bad poetry. i did it with an equal mix of grace and childishness.. i did the very best i could. i continue to process that loss but i wake up every morning in the absolute belief that everything i have been through is just as it's supposed to be. i think i will always miss that man and what we could have been but i know in my strong heart that it is or it isn't and i have to show up for what is and let go of what isn't.. some days i am at peace with that.

i lost my ambition. it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. i am living in my life today and not what i want to be next year. i am happy and content in a way that i have never experienced before. thank God!

i hurt someone. i am sorry. i learned how important it is to be careful with a man's heart. i learned that the fragility of others needs to be respected. but i also learned that in order to be my true self i have to make mistakes, face them and forgive myself. and i have..

i got a job. it solved 90% of my problems. i love taking care of myself financially. it turns out i am responsible and hard working. it also turns out that i like people... a wonderful surprise! my co-workers and customers have become a second family and they give me so much love and support. i love my Strange Brew.

i have become aware of how much more of my family and friends i need in my life. i don't reach out enough and i'm not sure why. but i'm looking into that and i will report back when i have a better explanation than, "i'm so busy."

i lost someone. someone i need. it was very much half my fault.. it was a snowball of damage.. i don't know if she is gone forever but i love her from over here. for now.

i made new friends.. they are funny and weird and moody and creative and loving and annoying and they like splenda and know my punchy side and write me poems and fly like sparrows and make fun of me and flirt with me and yell at me and love me! and they are the very best part of 2010.

2010 was about friends and family and growing up. it was about seeing myself more clearly than i have ever seen myself before. that i am as much a knucklehead as i am terrific. that i can love and respect my dark as well as my light. that i am the sun and the shadow. and that you are too. and so i have seen myself through loving others. truly. and for the first time.

thank you to my friends and family.. for knowing that i do the right and the wrong thing and for taking care of me through both. i resolve to be a better daughter, sister and friend in 2011. and to walk the dog more. and to remain a non-smoker. and to have more dance-offs.

2010-12-30T19:51:00.000-06:00

complete

2010-12-26T11:03:00.000-06:00

is it your heart speaking

or your fear

of this mirror.

in tongues.

it is a death

that follows me through the city

the dark depth of wind

whipping garbage up my skirts.

men

around the corner they fly

like snow

and memory.

and handsome

and nothing to me.

for i am lost without you.

you whose touch is a feast

even being a stranger.

and loveless.

i weep.

perhaps i am the fool

but i stay open and steady

to what i believe

until it leaves...

me.

2010-12-24T21:08:00.000-06:00

i have seen a man completely.

lover liar artist fool

friend father

and the complete picture

made me love him more

and he has erased me for it.

2010-12-24T09:42:00.000-06:00

In Reply, to Ainjel

BUT you do have

depth

goofiness

a gorgeous face

LOVE

the memory

wings

"the greatest ass i have ever seen"... recently texted to me by a friend i just introduced you to.

magic

rhythm

a perfect handful

songs

heart

monstrous talent

pretty dresses

warmth

originality

the kindest eyes i have ever looked into.

and for the record

my friendship forever

2010-12-19T22:30:00.000-06:00

i can only love a man who kisses me with a mouthful of poetry.

every other kiss is an execution

take his rusty lips

quietly tattooed

graffiti

lovely flow and spill and spark and run and want and laugh

my love

your mouth so used

is still my fresh horse.

2010-12-18T00:53:00.001-06:00

THINGS I SAY WHEN I'M HURT--WHAT I REALLY MEAN

no worries------------------------i hope you are worried

oh ok -----------------------------thanks a lot asshole

um ok-----------------------------i don't understand why you are such an asshole

no big deal-----------------------you blew it

hmmmm-------------------------please stop saying what i don't want to hear and start saying what i do want to hear

i understand---------------------i don't understand

i get it----------------------------i don't get it

cool------------------------------not cool

that's fine------------------------you have ruined everything

c u around------------------------i'll be checking your twitter and facebook every 7 minutes for the next 3 months

good luck out there--------------may a string of bad luck hit you and drive you back into my arms.

it's all good----------------------i'm too good for you

2010-12-14T22:30:00.000-06:00

would like to hold my heart underwater

rob it

and let its gifts fly away

2010-12-11T18:49:00.000-06:00

The others

courage took action

and i looked.

and i saw us

we were the same-

innocent suspects.

a moonlit line up

for the thief

who picked all of us.

ladies

we make a mad circle

of true love.

we are linked together.

true believers

penned-

ribbons pinned.

the same-

blue ribbons.

tied..

we are each as wildly

in love with a lie

as the other.

we are lovers.

2010-12-09T20:42:00.000-06:00

One two

i used to take numbers

dream numbers

i heard threes in the fuzz

at morning

as it broke open

as it broke up with night

i also heard nines

under bath water

as i drowned myself

and my battlegrounds out.

once, i heard two

me. and you.

we were the only one.

two.

2010-12-08T17:05:00.000-06:00

i drive to work

at dawn and in the dark

thinking about you.

your opposite eyes

and comic strip lips

your mouth full of declarations.

i think about our last kiss.

and the photograph of it

it is the only thing i saved.

it says everything you have forgotten

and everything i believe

and still

hold so very dear to me.

2010-12-01T22:57:00.000-06:00

2010-12-01T17:54:00.000-06:00

I could plant flowers

(today) i could

break dance

break hearts

beat someone up

fall in love

steal your boyfriend

believe

flirt with disaster

run away

come clean

do the right thing

cry my eyes out

sleep around

speed

blush

show up

fuck off

change my mind

be beautiful

dream

sleep all day

slap your stupid face

kiss it better

sing every word i speak

love you again

i could.

2010-11-30T22:51:00.000-06:00

no he won't go away

but i do.

2010-11-28T06:36:00.000-06:00

Counting Steps

the dog woke me up with an obedient whine. i stumbled through my dark apartment avoiding the obstacles like a blind person.. counting steps. in the pitch of blue and ghosty light i found my used winter coat.. my most recent proof that i am, in fact, easy to please. i slid my hands into it's well made pockets and took mabel outside. i felt whole, constructed of bone and blood and flesh.. the science of God. but also the mystery of God.. i was my soul filling a human container, holding it up, moving it forward. as the dog pissed, as the stars were fading, as the memory of how much i have hurt someone burned in my empty stomach, as i stood alone with no warm man stirring in my bed and my bones deformed and the metal in my back frozen from the cold november.. i found the words "i'm so strong," shivering on my tongue...

i'm counting steps until the light is back.. in the blind faith of morning.

2010-11-25T09:17:00.000-06:00

i dreamed you

thin as a pine needle

lonely waking

coffee bubbles

in the kitchen.

i think,

finally,

you are never coming back.

but i dream

open and

unended.

my mind

throws you

up to the surface again

and there's nothing i can do about it,

not one fucking thing.

you built a house in here.

2010-11-20T07:53:00.000-06:00

faith

we are birth marked with it

stones under our skin

wood burned bone

sand for feet.

the moments stack

like clouds

atmosphere thick and beautiful

layered and falling

rain.

we want so much happiness

and we wail when

withheld and staggered,

black night. bright sun.

and over and over again.

---------------------------

faith is breathing

in very thin air.

and underwater

and buried

lungs aching in your chest

for joy to come back again.

i fall asleep

to the noise

of neighbors clawing at each other

and other neighbors making love.

the sounds are the same.

a scarred music.

and i'm alone.

and i'm at peace with this.

2010-11-17T17:40:00.000-06:00

2010-11-15T22:35:00.000-06:00

i'm lonely.

2010-11-11T18:15:00.000-06:00

i am without most words,

just a few.

three.

2010-11-09T20:59:00.000-06:00

my willful child

do not move an inch

you are a veteran of your own disappearance.

and all that was once strength

now makes you nervous.

because your strength don't work

strength = don't work

you struggle

to regain something.

What was once yours

is with somewhere else now

and somewhere is no one you know.

2010-11-05T18:24:00.000-05:00

no man can hold a river

when it wants to be fire.

2010-10-31T22:22:00.000-05:00

Wolf

sweet deer---

muse of all muses.

dressing gowns---

grown man.

my dark eyed star

dark blue heart

i will sketch you

i will slur you

and sing you

you godly thing you.

fetching---

i will hula hoop your smile

and bake you into bread

i will bathe in a river

crying your friendship---

crying our love

that was too hard for either of us.

i will wake up with your words in my mouth

they will be in another language.

my boy who lived with wolves

you came into my life

matted and wild

you would have slept in the trees

but instead you slept in a well made bed

just to sleep next to me.

2010-10-30T08:32:00.000-05:00

the things i don't hold

have a hold on me.

i am reserved

for emergency.

my spare room.

i decorate it with sex

and music.

i disguise it with fashion.

with tigers and dreamers,

i drive a train through it.

i have no name for it.

oh wait.

it's emptiness.

2010-10-27T20:14:00.001-05:00

i took everything off.

i wished things.

i buried jasmine under amethyst

i sewed the pockets of all my pants shut,

no secrets would i keep from myself.

but i lost control.

of the pain threshold.

of false hope.

i became violent water...

i turned you over

and as i held you under

you became wings

and flew away.

2010-10-21T19:56:00.001-05:00

Whales

in the chance meeting of

lung to breath

forged a friendship.

sailed a long ship

rolled nose to nose

hope and hopeless.

sat the guru

a face

like a scarred moon

heart and wild cat

broken teething

and back to back.

a believer begins

in question.

swimming

a credo becoming

2010-10-05T22:09:00.000-05:00

the outsider.

i don't care

if i'm within

the circle.

i don't care

if i'm heard.

or well known,

respected or

regarded.

i don't care

if i'm invited.

or added.

or friended

and befriended.

or defriended.

i don't care anymore

if my ticks show

if my voice cracks

if i am stupid

or crazy or last

in a long line of fools.

i don't care

if the nerves show

if my face reddens

or if the hives grow.

i don't care

if my heart beats

through my fucking chest

so hard you can see it.

i will tear out this silicone ribcage

to show you the mechanics of loving this deep.

you can look... or not...

i just don't really care.

but i do really care about you.

2010-10-05T16:00:00.000-05:00

we went on a robbing spree. we stole stars and clouds and patches of grass. we pulled apples off trees and slept in flower beds. at night electric trains circled our campsite. i washed my hair in a bird bath. louis took a rain shower. we made jewelry from hubcaps and soda pop cans. we french kissed under a sparrows nest and took naps in a fox hole.

and we never spoke. we only sang.

2010-10-04T19:40:00.000-05:00

distance matched

a lit cigarette

glued to my ideas.

i'm telling you the truth so shut up.

already you run already you spit

small drops of tears of rain

of hurricane.

hang in there

but first. listen.

hang on to me.

please always

until i don't have a point.

until i am spinning out past the borders

until my makeup has disappeared

skin un-ironed.

the last of my crying a smudge on a sleeve

the last time i tried

you couldn't breathe

we were kicking and playing chicken

and reading

into things

it was great stuff.

you turned around and faced me.

you folded what was left of my heart

up under yours.

there is safety in numbers.

baby.

shrug.

2010-10-01T16:42:00.000-05:00

there are days. when i weaken.

when doing the right thing does not measure

up to the sofa cushion of your lips.

my ear against your chest

can hear an ocean.

an earth. a rotation.

a drum circle.

pulls me back in

there's a dance off

and you win.

and i'm your bitch again.

my slim rapper.

maybe i need you.

2010-09-27T02:57:00.000-05:00

if bracing yourself

softened the smash,

i would tell you to do that.

but you have to dive into the crash.

2010-09-25T06:11:00.000-05:00

has the moon been full for a month?

have i gotten over anything ever?

are these questions or statements?

THE MOON HAS BEEN FULL

FOR A MONTH

i am not over anything. never.

i declare my declarations

i'm unprepared to offer

anymore information

but i do

do i?

i do

i did and i will

i can and i still...

2010-09-24T16:57:00.001-05:00

Wedding Cake

i walked to you

on younger legs

long for short

my heart- hoped for everyone.

i was cream

light for heavy

i spilled for anyone

but spoiled

and oh october eyes

attached and disfigured

melting at the hip

the years like one tornado

this connection was beyond

us and always

just as it was broken

your tears were

my body of water

and i was yours.

wedding cake.

2010-09-23T20:29:00.000-05:00

have you ever been on an airplane in a half nap.. all sleepy and stupid, staring blankly at the back of the seat in front of you and you might just as well be in a waiting room at the dentist rather than one of 200 bodies smashed into this noisy jet when suddenly you remember that you are actually just a one hundred pound very breakable human, being flown through the clouds at hundreds of miles an hour, in a pretty heavy metal box that only stays up based on a limited amount of fuel that keeps ... shit i have no idea how it stays up ...

here! the Physics Factbook says it better...

All four models uses the jet engine which operates on the principle of Newton's third law of motion, which states that for every action, there is an opposite but equal reaction. A jet sucks air into the front, squeezes the air by pulling it through a series of spinning compressors, mixes it with fuel, and ignites the fuel, which then explodes rearward with great force out through the exhaust nozzle. This great rearward force is balanced with an equal force that pushes the jet engine, and the airplane attached to it, forward. Thrust is the force that propels an airplane forward through the air. It is provided by the airplane's propulsion system in this case by a jet engine.

that's how i feel right now. like i just realized how fast we're going. and how high up we are.

2010-09-23T18:51:00.000-05:00

we are so difficult

you and i.

the boy and girl of us

all mixed up.

i get mad and old

i try to run

your hand holds mine

loosely

but faithfully

loyalty being everything to me.

and one of your

distinguishing qualities.

but who is where

is what is how?

and when are you coming over?

i want you here now

2010-09-21T19:16:00.000-05:00

today was one of those days that i could not manage much more than throwing one blind foot in front of the other. i bumped into things. i said yes when i meant no. i forgot whole sentences just two seconds after speaking them. i cried when i pulled back the plastic curtain after a steamy shower and cold air conditioning pulled the warm envelope from my naked body. everything changes like that. you wake up sleeping. you fall asleep awake. there is no safe place between the states. no period to prepare you. no little room to rest.. a soft bench and a soft drink. there's just insomnia and your deep dreams. light and dark. dawn is a trick.

2010-09-19T07:47:00.000-05:00

Healing.

i started to heal the moment i realized i was lost.

i woke up. i opened my eyes and looked around. i had no idea where i was. i was hungry. and wet. my back was broken. my shoes were useless, my clothes too heavy. i spun in slow circles, surveying the vast expanse of darkness that surrounded me until i saw what i thought might be a light. it was very far away but looked possible to get to.. maybe it was a house, i thought. maybe they had food they would share, a bed, a shower. i felt a survival instinct like i'd never felt before. it flooded my whole being and i began to move forward. at first i moved very slowly. and backwards. i hit many things because i refused to turn ahead. i had convinced myself that if i lost track of where i had been i would never know where i was going, that i would never be able to get back there. so i moved forward at the slowest pace and kept my eyes steadfast on what was behind me. only briefly turning to make sure that i was still headed towards the faded and far off light.

i didn't seem to be on a path. i tripped over rocks and slipped into ditches. once, i even tumbled and fell to the ground so hard that i wasn't sure if i could continue. but i got up, injured. it wasn't long before i began to fear that the light would not be there when i turned around so i took to facing forward in the direction that i was actually moving, for at least a little bit. i traded off this way for awhile, calming myself with the security of seeing where i had been and also knowing where i was going. the light in front of me seemed to be getting closer. it was definitely getting brighter. a moon-like yellow. i became attached to that light and my backwards walks became shorter and shorter as i missed that sweet and calming light when i couldn't see it. it became easier to not look back and a couple of times when i turned i could just barely see where i had been. i paniced at first but then my need to get to the light turned me back around.

soon, where i had been was further away then the light ahead. and that light was getting close enough to be lighting the path ahead of me. what had once been rocky and black and blind.. shadows, was now a muted morning.. the very slight beginnings of dawn. and that dawn was a gentle warmth. my clothes were drying and softening and i could see almost clearly where i was going. it was an actual wide and marked path.. there were arrows and signs and even rest stops. wonderful places i could stop for a night or two and rest as i stayed on this path that was leading me to my bright destination.

I am writing this from one of those rest stops. they have taken me in for the night. or for however long i need to stay. all of the windows in this small room face the direction i have been traveling towards. light floods in through them letting me know that it is still there and that everything is exactly as it should be.

and i have begun to trust the light.

2010-09-18T09:11:00.000-05:00

just got Mary Robinson's book of photographs in the mail. her photography touches me... it is haunting and lovely and has a stillness that is moving. and she's only 17!

i admire this young woman.

her blog: http://maryvrobinson.blogspot.com

2010-09-16T20:37:00.000-05:00

Make believe stars

i remember when you were human

a song

i sung often.

when you were possibility

you arrived

in the shape of a gift

and introduced yourself to me.

and we kissed.

now i kiss

monkey wrenches

where your lips would be.

make believe stars

are out in the trash

behind a trashed painting.

and the cheap smell

of cheap leather,

is this poor condition.

hate like none other

none. ever.

blind pain.

how you made me suffer

a pony pendulum

between my breasts

it was never yours

never. ever.

ponies are mine.

2010-09-15T16:39:00.000-05:00

Grown ups are strangers i know

the scratch that tells you how tall you were

when the kitchen was clean and smelled like pot roast

when squeezed grapefruit halves are at the top of the full garbage

and papa's shorts are drying in a cool twilight

above the stone bird bath.

and my grandmother is putting the candy where we can reach it

and i can't decide what to play with..

the orange teddy bear we all share

or the keys that i imagine will unlock a secret room.

when i hear the name josephine

when i hear the name ann

when i hear the name dennis

and margaret

grown ups are strangers i know

2010-09-12T09:44:00.000-05:00

Guts

lying is psychological abuse. it robs you of a security that we all deserve. it steals your basic right to make decisions based on the simple truth. when a person lies to you consistently, it changes who you are.. it kills the innocent trust in yourself that we are all born with. and, of course, if you can't trust yourself how can you ever trust another?

over the last year and a half i have learned more about lying than i ever could have planned on. and the wreckage has been extremely difficult to dig through. but i am beginning to trust others again and more importantly i am learning to trust my own gut. again.

2010-09-11T10:36:00.000-05:00

bright sun is filling up saturday.

the house is messy and muddy.

it rained all week.

you rode here on your new bike

and tracked mud through the house.

it made me so happy.

2010-09-11T10:27:00.000-05:00

up to something. obviously.

no good.

2010-09-10T18:58:00.000-05:00

my heart does not recognize you anymore.

loveless.

is this being over it?

2010-09-09T17:51:00.000-05:00

he says,

"those shoes make me

want to marry you."

he's a keeper.

2010-09-06T22:32:00.000-05:00

something about tonight was perfect. it started with the unicorn twilight raspberry sherbet sky. it was ridiculous. then Wilco's smile all the time came on the car stereo. that's the moment i realized that something about tonight was perfect.

i was driving east on fifth st. and trying to take a picture of the dropping pink horizon's reflection in my Frost building. Half of it was the color of melted rhubarb and the other half was a gothic steel grey. that's like my personality, i thought. i was giggling as i snapped the photograph while rolling a reckless five miles an hour towards the stopped suburban just ahead of me at a red light. i really wanted that picture. but the picture i didn't get was even better.

sometimes the thing that fits in the place we were trying to squeeze the thing that we didn't get can be so freaking beautiful.

2010-09-06T16:48:00.000-05:00

latte art. abstract.

2010-09-03T21:27:00.000-05:00

2010-09-02T17:43:00.000-05:00

his eyes are a challenge

not to look at

they are film and stars

they switch

they flip me out

dark blue eyes.

bitten. touched. blackened.

and they hold me.

both eyes are honest

they get angry

they cry

they are a moon

eclipsed sometimes

by dark blue sky.

they also have the most beautiful smile.

2010-08-30T22:09:00.000-05:00

everything is different now

all the clocks

are central standard time

jets are on the ground.

time flies by.

i suffered so much

for someone that never cared

(she was right).

and everything is different now.

on the surface of the scar

is a message

in braille

and only sweet love can read it.

***

i slept rotten as a child

i threw up in my sleep

i called out in my dreams

someone crawl into this bed

and keep me company please!

and he comes. tender