no he won't go away

but i do.

Counting Steps

the dog woke me up with an obedient whine. i stumbled through my dark apartment avoiding the obstacles like a blind person.. counting steps. in the pitch of blue and ghosty light i found my used winter coat.. my most recent proof that i am, in fact, easy to please. i slid my hands into it's well made pockets and took mabel outside. i felt whole, constructed of bone and blood and flesh.. the science of God. but also the mystery of God.. i was my soul filling a human container, holding it up, moving it forward. as the dog pissed, as the stars were fading, as the memory of how much i have hurt someone burned in my empty stomach, as i stood alone with no warm man stirring in my bed and my bones deformed and the metal in my back frozen from the cold november.. i found the words "i'm so strong," shivering on my tongue...

i'm counting steps until the light is back.. in the blind faith of morning.

i dreamed you

thin as a pine needle

lonely waking

coffee bubbles

in the kitchen.

i think,

finally,

you are never coming back.

but i dream

open and

unended.

my mind

throws you

up to the surface again

and there's nothing i can do about it,

not one fucking thing.

you built a house in here.

faith

we are birth marked with it

stones under our skin

wood burned bone

sand for feet.

the moments stack

like clouds

atmosphere thick and beautiful

layered and falling

rain.

we want so much happiness

and we wail when

withheld and staggered,

black night. bright sun.

black night. bright sun.

and over and over again.

---------------------------

faith is breathing

in very thin air.

and underwater

and buried

lungs aching in your chest

for joy to come back again.

i fall asleep

to the noise

of neighbors clawing at each other

and other neighbors making love.

the sounds are the same.

a scarred music.

and i'm alone.

and i'm at peace with this.

i'm lonely.

i am without most words,

just a few.

three.

my willful child

do not move an inch

you are a veteran of your own disappearance.

and all that was once strength

now makes you nervous.

because your strength don't work

strength = don't work

you struggle

to regain something.

What was once yours

is with somewhere else now

and somewhere is no one you know.

no man can hold a river

when it wants to be fire.