no he won't go away

but i do.

Counting Steps

the dog woke me up with an obedient whine. i stumbled through my dark apartment avoiding the obstacles like a blind person.. counting steps. in the pitch of blue and ghosty light i found my used winter coat.. my most recent proof that i am, in fact, easy to please. i slid my hands into it's well made pockets and took mabel outside. i felt whole, constructed of bone and blood and flesh.. the science of God. but also the mystery of God.. i was my soul filling a human container, holding it up, moving it forward. as the dog pissed, as the stars were fading, as the memory of how much i have hurt someone burned in my empty stomach, as i stood alone with no warm man stirring in my bed and my bones deformed and the metal in my back frozen from the cold november.. i found the words "i'm so strong," shivering on my tongue...

i'm counting steps until the light is back.. in the blind faith of morning.

i dreamed you

thin as a pine needle

lonely waking

coffee bubbles

in the kitchen.

i think,

finally,

you are never coming back.

but i dream

open and

unended.

my mind

throws you

up to the surface again

and there's nothing i can do about it,

not one fucking thing.

you built a house in here.

faith

we are birth marked with it

stones under our skin

wood burned bone

sand for feet.

the moments stack

like clouds

atmosphere thick and beautiful

layered and falling

rain.

we want so much happiness

and we wail when

withheld and staggered,

black night. bright sun.

black night. bright sun.

and over and over again.

---------------------------

faith is breathing

in very thin air.

and underwater

and buried

lungs aching in your chest

for joy to come back again.

i fall asleep

to the noise

of neighbors clawing at each other

and other neighbors making love.

the sounds are the same.

a scarred music.

and i'm alone.

and i'm at peace with this.

i'm lonely.

i am without most words,

just a few.

three.

my willful child

do not move an inch

you are a veteran of your own disappearance.

and all that was once strength

now makes you nervous.

because your strength don't work

strength = don't work

you struggle

to regain something.

What was once yours

is with somewhere else now

and somewhere is no one you know.

no man can hold a river

when it wants to be fire.

Wolf

sweet deer---

muse of all muses.

dressing gowns---

grown man.

my dark eyed star

dark blue heart

i will sketch you

i will slur you

and sing you

you godly thing you.

fetching---

i will hula hoop your smile

and bake you into bread

i will bathe in a river

crying your friendship---

crying our love

that was too hard for either of us.

i will wake up with your words in my mouth

they will be in another language.

my boy who lived with wolves

you came into my life

matted and wild

you would have slept in the trees

but instead you slept in a well made bed

just to sleep next to me.

the things i don't hold

have a hold on me.

i am reserved

for emergency.

my spare room.

i decorate it with sex

and music.

i disguise it with fashion.

with tigers and dreamers,

i drive a train through it.

i have no name for it.

oh wait.

it's emptiness.

i took everything off.

i wished things.

i buried jasmine under amethyst

i sewed the pockets of all my pants shut,

no secrets would i keep from myself.

but i lost control.

of the pain threshold.

of false hope.

i became violent water...

i turned you over

and as i held you under

you became wings

and flew away.

Whales

in the chance meeting of

lung to breath

forged a friendship.

sailed a long ship

rolled nose to nose

hope and hopeless.

sat the guru

a face

like a scarred moon

heart and wild cat

broken teething

and back to back.

a believer begins

in question.

swimming

a credo becoming

the outsider.

i don't care

if i'm within

the circle.

i don't care

if i'm heard.

or well known,

respected or

regarded.

i don't care

if i'm invited.

or added.

or friended

and befriended.

or defriended.

i don't care anymore

if my ticks show

if my voice cracks

if i am stupid

or crazy or last

in a long line of fools.

i don't care

if the nerves show

if my face reddens

or if the hives grow.

i don't care

if my heart beats

through my fucking chest

so hard you can see it.

i will tear out this silicone ribcage

to show you the mechanics of loving this deep.

you can look... or not...

i just don't really care.

but i do really care about you.

we went on a robbing spree. we stole stars and clouds and patches of grass. we pulled apples off trees and slept in flower beds. at night electric trains circled our campsite. i washed my hair in a bird bath. louis took a rain shower. we made jewelry from hubcaps and soda pop cans. we french kissed under a sparrows nest and took naps in a fox hole.

and we never spoke. we only sang.

distance matched

a lit cigarette

glued to my ideas.

i'm telling you the truth so shut up.

already you run already you spit

small drops of tears of rain

of hurricane.

hang in there

but first. listen.

hang on to me.

please always

until i don't have a point.

until i am spinning out past the borders

until my makeup has disappeared

skin un-ironed.

the last of my crying a smudge on a sleeve

the last time i tried

you couldn't breathe

we were kicking and playing chicken

and reading

into things

it was great stuff.

you turned around and faced me.

you folded what was left of my heart

up under yours.

there is safety in numbers.

baby.

shrug.

there are days. when i weaken.

when doing the right thing does not measure

up to the sofa cushion of your lips.

my ear against your chest

can hear an ocean.

an earth. a rotation.

a drum circle.

pulls me back in

there's a dance off

and you win.

and i'm your bitch again.

my slim rapper.

maybe i need you.

if bracing yourself

softened the smash,

i would tell you to do that.

but you have to dive into the crash.

has the moon been full for a month?

have i gotten over anything ever?

are these questions or statements?

THE MOON HAS BEEN FULL

FOR A MONTH

i am not over anything. never.

i declare my declarations

i'm unprepared to offer

anymore information

but i do

do i?

i do

i do

i did and i will

i can and i still...

Wedding Cake

i walked to you

on younger legs

long for short

my heart- hoped for everyone.

i was cream

light for heavy

i spilled for anyone

but spoiled

and oh october eyes

attached and disfigured

melting at the hip

the years like one tornado

this connection was beyond

us and always

just as it was broken

your tears were

my body of water

and i was yours.

wedding cake.