Afterlife

not often enough

are we speaking

in reference to afterlife

to the understanding

of our limits on legs

underfoot

the monster undertow

of tomorrow

is like a camouflaged submarine

barely crawling.

a magnet below us

pulling.

we laugh and scream

and finger cars

that cut us off

and slow our progress

to another meaningless

meeting of details,

sketches of something

we plan to goddamn make happen.

and every breath taken for granted

until this magic carpet is pulled out from under us

and we awake to the simple ending

ahead of all of us.

i want skinnier legs.

i am all human.

i am perfect.

i hate myself.

i thank God for what i have.

i am full of opposites.

i am in the trenches and high as a kite.

and low drowning in the river

and skating on fragile ice.

i am nothing

and if not everything

sigh. i want skinnier legs.

Clouds

we ran in tight circles

that stretched into serpentines,

ribbon candy and sparrows.

we parked behind the Toys R Us

in the air conditioned car.

we split a sandwich

and put our sunglasses on the dash.

we watched the greenbelt do the wave,

the clouds demonstrating their talent.

the trees like people in stadium seats

a sweep of shadow crossing the wooded valley

leaving behind a gulley

flush with light.

sometimes romance

is a surprise exhibition from clouds.

we are always who we were

go on.

with your bad self.

i haven't blogged in awhile. i'm busy. certainly not less to say.. but i've been putting it into songs rather than poetry. also i have no internet at my apartment right now. which is awesome! which sucks!

i'm working at the coffee shop again. i am a grateful barista. the money is good, the customers are beautiful and i drink coffee all day. it is a very good situation.

the band is playing lots of shows and we are getting better and better. i love those guys. they have given me my heart back. every show we do i feel happier and happier. it is like life has been breathed back in me.

i am waking up with songs in my mouth. there is a marching band on a loop through me.. making circles of my thoughts.. making stories of my circles.. making songs from scratch.

Dance hall

the stars were widespread

dappled dark horse

sky. texas night.

black heart

trucks parked

outside the dance hall

below the whore house.

no one died here though

i can feel it

the lack of ghosts.

something is missing.

it's saturday night

and the kids are all dancing

like ponies

in circles

around and around the ring.

and i stand

judge and observer

audience member

against a post

my failing back out.

smiling.

a slow and quiet grieving.

i grew a little this week.

i found some really scary weakness in myself and then i discovered the strength that has kept that weakness from destroying me all along.

i saw beautiful things like when the moon looked like a dirty smile and when i witnessed my dog seeing an old friend and expressing her content for that reunion. i saw myself begin to do the wrong thing and was able to stop myself before i did something stupid. and i also found myself taking care of myself at any cost.

i forgave some friends for being human and that gave me some forgiveness for myself. i sweat my ass off on stage. i felt pretty sometimes. i didn't care what people thought. i loved someone as hard as i could and he accepted my love. neat miracles happened! i cried over them. i shared myself with the possibility of rejection. i wasn't rejected.

i ate sour patch kids candies.

The authority of demons

i'm trying not to love him

but my scars are burning.

my heart so strong

is unhealing.

his demons are winning.

i begged him to fight for me

but his demons are winning.

mine are coming in a close second,

that which bears mentioning.

my scars are changing

my heart unbeating

i've gathered all the evidence

and his demons are winning.

this dark dance.

this hunter pace.

the sky blasts open

in a horse breaking race.

every house is leveled

we end at the beginning

again and again

his demons are winning.

my fingers ache with words i can't say.

the tremble is love

and deep loss

and you flying away.

you have seen me at my emptiest

now tuck me back into my blue jay nest.

the trees will grow up around me

ageless.

goodbye is for suckers

and i'm getting used to this.

earth silence..

the machines are making all the noise.

the mustard sky keeps changing it's mind .

for over and over it went,

it went into ragtime.

these tics are a dance-off on my cheekbones.

regret like a loosening jawline.

wake up senorita

you are hook line and mission impossible.

keep telling me things.

a need to know is burgeoning

when so recently i knew everything

and now such nothing.

-

-

-

-

-

i think about this for five clicks

from the kitchen. no more thinking.

let's know nothing.

The fall

my body remembers how to fall.

at first it is a confusion

i am upside down or not

i spit to see.

but then the knowing

that full moment when i accept

that i am in fact dropping.

that i don't control the speed

that i don't control the stars

there are no decisions in a falling

just spinning. and waiting.

for the violence of a landing.

(i dreamed)

i painted his eyes

and his insides

it was an abstract.

when i awoke

my hair was in a tangle

my tongue in knots

my spine stuck.

the sheets were wet

with sweat

and salted tears.

i misunderstand

(disassociate),

love way too deep

and run off.

i have to sit somewhere alone

and hold my own hands

to cup

the gravity of his face

and the tornado of mistakes

i will most likely

continue to make.

in a world full of beasts..

i love this beast most of all.

she brings me joy

when i can find none on my own.

she turns tears into laughter,

loss into gravity.

she is my truest heart..

my angel beast.

Open heart surgery

i am remembering the early 90's today. the streets of new york city. hand in hand with my future ex-husband. we have no idea do we? the beauty that awaits.. the devastation.. the miles of numbness.. the injuries.. the spells of joy. my legs fell fast asleep as the avenues stretched from harlem to the diamond district but he pulled me along. my heart like an engine that would not die.. i could have walked to maryland.

he was my boyfriend then. he was sleeping on his brother's floor uptown. i was sleeping in my childhood bedroom. i took the train into the city once a week to visit. nothing had happened yet. we were still going to be very famous. we were still going to travel and have adventures. we still held hands everywhere.. we had no life together.. we had no money yet.. no house.. no favorite television shows.. no private jokes.. no mutual friends.. no bed.. no christmas decorations.. no nightly candlelit dinners.. no little dog to love like the baby i couldn't have.. no change.. no disappointment in each other.. no what ifs.. no fence that he took two years to paint.. no relapse for me to disappear into.. no in-laws to resent.. no big bank accounts.. no bankruptcy.. no record deal.. no lust.. no anti-depressants.. no sad silence.. no sex life to sabotage.. no backyard for me to spend a summer staring out the window at.. no baseball card collections.. no clothes i did not need.. no separate vacations.. no history. we were just a boyfriend and a girlfriend walking thirteen miles straight down the middle of new york city like the first impatient and clean cut into a wedding cake. and i am remembering it like i'm tracing the long thin line of an open heart surgery scar.

France, 1999

i closed my eyes.

more than a thousand yesterdays ago.

i swallowed sleeping pills and cried

a few poems.

i prayed with the canadian christian girl

who i was sharing the room with.

she told me god had a plan for me.

so i slept like a child.

in the morning

i stood on my train legs and walked to the window.

then sat shaky

looking out over the rooftops of Paris.

the roofs of Paris like beautiful rotting birthday cake.

Lush

i sink back

into the tank

where all heart is delivered.

wounds deepen

my voice becomes hoarse

like a child's voice

from crying out.

i found a diving board in you

faith

a form of pain relief

dumb luck

siting the page you arrived on

shirtless and kissing.

i've taken more than my share

but in the end time will even the wage

nothing is unfair

or everything is unfair. it's the same.

it's death then life then death then life

born into reborn and buried for that birth.

will my life be this grid of no i don't

but in that square i did

such drunken measurements

are on the high side again.

where is God when you are making these decisions kid?

where is God this morning?

simple ghosts

nail beds, tapping

shoulder, tongue, lips

the notes of a prayer

i can say anything

and everything here.

this dream is lush.

i was brave enough to say i do

and brave enough to say

i can't anymore.