hungry like the wolf

The damage

i stayed loyal to a liar.

he left an ugly stain

like spreading ink

and black water.

killing

all the pretty

young

and fancy lilies.

a phantom limb,

the ache comes out of nowhere.

and i run away

my heart a sick liver.

a stunned

and bleeding baby

a swollen lip

a fever.

my old flame

and my palms on the burner.

that long and lost year

in his corner.

The promise

i have learned so many lessons.

they have come at me

like knives-

me the spinning wheel-a-girl.

with the closed eyes.

determined to be experienced

i held a shimmy grip as i climbed

the authority of the wind

pulling at me like a riptide

leaving pieces of my insides

that i wore on the outside

on the mountainside.

i made a bed of rocks

and ran back towards the shortcut

only to find a desert

dried and moonless.

one set of footprints

one year of thirst.

i have been thrown.

trampled.

punched

and drowned.

dragged lifeless to the shore

and forced back down

only to jump in

the shark rigged water

the dark ring.

i crawl home again

bruised and bleeding

beaten.

but he is a gentle lesson.

a sweet reminder

that life is a kiss on the steps.

life is a constant beginning

it is unexpected innocence

it is.

innocence.

that you can expect

you never would have believed it

if promised.

which it is.

promised.

i promise you. you are innocent.

life is so surprising and constantly wowing me. about ten years ago i remember thinking that all my choices had been made.. boy was i wrong. it seems funny and so very innocent now. as if at thirty i was who i would always be. i have been through many changes since then. musical, romantic, addiction, financial, career, creative... every deep level and each surface side of me becoming and unbecoming.. losing color and then turning into the bright spectrum, then fading to pastel only to become florescent. life is ugly. life is beautiful. it is God and love and horses and birds and weeping willows. it's apples and monkeys and pavement. it's an old set of keys and brand new winter coat. it's perfume and scars and cowboy boots. it's his dad's piano and the moon and broken hearts and burning embers. life is a scratched and warped record that you still try to play. it's the dance no one invited you to and a ruined surprise party. it's also a kiss and noodles and high heels and diving boards. it's a hangover, lemons, sunrise, music, a dented pickup truck. it's your memory and your day dreams. and your quiet hope. and my quiet hope.

there is a past we don't know about within us.

it haunts us.

the clocks are plucking birds from graves and shocking them to sing.

and it's just you and i

remembering

nothing.

a good sunday cry

a tear. one drop. rolls from your eye

into mine

and i cry.

we don't always remember the beauty we miss

you called it homesick.

my homemade cure

was a hug and a kiss.

work, i wished.

there is a future we don't plan within us

it wakes us.

i tell stories... they improvise skits... fun!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7TQSylYciI&feature=player_embedded

my sheets have him tangled he is a sweet and low perfume from the next room. sweat and weed and sex and sleep he sounds like the timber of a birch tree. sad moon a sad moon a bird song calls it calls me from feathers

as i fall.

i heard guitars in heavenly stereo

up above

i leapt

and landed in love.

2010...

it was a difficult and beautiful year. my heart opened, closed and then opened again. there were times when i felt like i was never going to grow up. but i did..

i survived the heartbreak of my life. i did it with tears and friendship and bad poetry. i did it with an equal mix of grace and childishness.. i did the very best i could. i continue to process that loss but i wake up every morning in the absolute belief that everything i have been through is just as it's supposed to be. i think i will always miss that man and what we could have been but i know in my strong heart that it is or it isn't and i have to show up for what is and let go of what isn't.. some days i am at peace with that.

i lost my ambition. it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. i am living in my life today and not what i want to be next year. i am happy and content in a way that i have never experienced before. thank God!

i hurt someone. i am sorry. i learned how important it is to be careful with a man's heart. i learned that the fragility of others needs to be respected. but i also learned that in order to be my true self i have to make mistakes, face them and forgive myself. and i have..

i got a job. it solved 90% of my problems. i love taking care of myself financially. it turns out i am responsible and hard working. it also turns out that i like people... a wonderful surprise! my co-workers and customers have become a second family and they give me so much love and support. i love my Strange Brew.

i have become aware of how much more of my family and friends i need in my life. i don't reach out enough and i'm not sure why. but i'm looking into that and i will report back when i have a better explanation than, "i'm so busy."

i lost someone. someone i need. it was very much half my fault.. it was a snowball of damage.. i don't know if she is gone forever but i love her from over here. for now.

i made new friends.. they are funny and weird and moody and creative and loving and annoying and they like splenda and know my punchy side and write me poems and fly like sparrows and make fun of me and flirt with me and yell at me and love me! and they are the very best part of 2010.

2010 was about friends and family and growing up. it was about seeing myself more clearly than i have ever seen myself before. that i am as much a knucklehead as i am terrific. that i can love and respect my dark as well as my light. that i am the sun and the shadow. and that you are too. and so i have seen myself through loving others. truly. and for the first time.

thank you to my friends and family.. for knowing that i do the right and the wrong thing and for taking care of me through both. i resolve to be a better daughter, sister and friend in 2011. and to walk the dog more. and to remain a non-smoker. and to have more dance-offs.

complete

is it your heart speaking

or your fear

of this mirror.

in tongues.

it is a death

that follows me through the city

the dark depth of wind

whipping garbage up my skirts.

men

around the corner they fly

like snow

and memory.

and handsome

and nothing to me.

for i am lost without you.

you whose touch is a feast

even being a stranger.

and loveless.

i weep.

perhaps i am the fool

but i stay open and steady

to what i believe

until it leaves...

me.

i have seen a man completely.

lover liar artist fool

friend father

and the complete picture

made me love him more

and he has erased me for it.

In Reply, to Ainjel

BUT you do have

depth

goofiness

a gorgeous face

LOVE

the memory

wings

"the greatest ass i have ever seen"... recently texted to me by a friend i just introduced you to.

magic

rhythm

a perfect handful

songs

heart

monstrous talent

pretty dresses

warmth

originality

the kindest eyes i have ever looked into.

and for the record

my friendship forever

i can only love a man who kisses me with a mouthful of poetry.

every other kiss is an execution

take his rusty lips

quietly tattooed

graffiti

lovely flow and spill and spark and run and want and laugh

my love

your mouth so used

is still my fresh horse.

THINGS I SAY WHEN I'M HURT--WHAT I REALLY MEAN

no worries------------------------i hope you are worried

oh ok -----------------------------thanks a lot asshole

um ok-----------------------------i don't understand why you are such an asshole

no big deal-----------------------you blew it

hmmmm-------------------------please stop saying what i don't want to hear and start saying what i do want to hear

i understand---------------------i don't understand

i get it----------------------------i don't get it

cool------------------------------not cool

that's fine------------------------you have ruined everything

c u around------------------------i'll be checking your twitter and facebook every 7 minutes for the next 3 months

good luck out there--------------may a string of bad luck hit you and drive you back into my arms.

it's all good----------------------i'm too good for you

would like to hold my heart underwater

rob it

and let its gifts fly away

The others

courage took action

and i looked.

and i saw us

we were the same-

innocent suspects.

a moonlit line up

for the thief

who picked all of us.

ladies

we make a mad circle

of true love.

we are linked together.

true believers

penned-

ribbons pinned.

the same-

blue ribbons.

tied..

we are each as wildly

in love with a lie

as the other.

we are lovers.

One two

i used to take numbers

dream numbers

i heard threes in the fuzz

at morning

as it broke open

as it broke up with night

i also heard nines

under bath water

as i drowned myself

and my battlegrounds out.

once, i heard two

me. and you.

we were the only one.

two.

i drive to work

at dawn and in the dark

thinking about you.

your opposite eyes

and comic strip lips

your mouth full of declarations.

i think about our last kiss.

and the photograph of it

it is the only thing i saved.

it says everything you have forgotten

and everything i believe

and still

hold so very dear to me.

I could plant flowers

(today) i could

break dance

break hearts

beat someone up

fall in love

steal your boyfriend

believe

flirt with disaster

run away

come clean

do the right thing

cry my eyes out

sleep around

speed

blush

show up

fuck off

change my mind

be beautiful

dream

sleep all day

slap your stupid face

kiss it better

sing every word i speak

love you again

i could.