The girls are on the town

i have changed so much.

but i have not changed at all.

my life is a 360 

every degree 

a drugged destiny

my memory 

is drinking already.

i have corners in corners

in every four walled room

i wander through.

and there's so much that i would have done

if i didn't always need to lie down

the girls are on the town

they are all leg and eyelashes

strength and lip

and i remember how my best friend 

piggy backed me down main street

to catch up. 

people used to stay behind 

or carry me

like i now carry 

that lovely memory.

on my back watching tv.

 Need.

 it is not a gentle gift 

 that god gives us. 

 but it is a gift.

 need ties us to this planet

 sharp rocks

 staked deep into thick earth.

 arms like balloon strings

 tethering us together.

 i am grounded by your expectations

 grateful

 to be needed.

 counted.

 counted on.

 i am not loose in this world

 i am a wild child without you

 your disarming love

 your gravity.

 your resistance

 

 when need is no longer

 we will be wisps of cottonseed 

 dandelion rain

The maybe's

i'm a work in progress

unfinished business

oversensitive

and touching it

the television groans 

in the close distance

and the rain

has potential

like we have potential

like we slide off the road 

in the icy iciest ice

and correct the wheel

just before

the he said inevitable smash

DON'T

not everything is inevitable

there are always

other possibilities

like dreams he says

NO

like other realities

the maybe's 

I'm looking inside myself

for you.

separating the hardened ash

from the sweet pulp.

the lute.

I find a nest deconstructed.

you were born here

in the tornado.

silly string i'm peeling off.

a new moon. paperback.

the scratched surface

of a terrible year.

you have grown out of me

i have not

Everything

I used to save  

books of matches

horse shoes

hotel keys

scabs

photographs

birthday cards

christmas cards

valentines cards

ticket stubs

flowers

dog tags

friends

hospital bracelets

love letters

boots

hair brushes

pills

paperbacks

butterfly wings

everything.

organized somewhere

but now i purge

i erase

i delete

i retreat

i minus

i destroy

i burn

i pillage

i clean

i throw

i let go

my mother told me that i get rid of everyone.

who do i save?

some of them are a choice i can't make.

i don't know what to hold

and what to drop.

Surrender

i want a free spirit 

but i carry chains.

i want to love myself

but i hide in my coat 

the ugliest mirror.

an uncherished heirloom.

the thing about surrender 

is you can't try.

you give up

Strength

it's the tiniest call

from the furious raking

from the pit

where you were sure

there was nothing.

left alive.

It's the thread

barely visible

too thin to hold

hover close

it wraps around you

a gentle placing.

i throw myself off things.

Undressing

i pulled my shirt over my head

no i didn't

i imagined it.

i pulled my shirt over my head

carelessly 

no i didn't.

i tore my shirt off

recklessly

i couldn't.

i pulled the shirt over my head

no i wouldn't.

seven feet away.

his long hot gaze

a new scar.

a loose cannon 

shy as i explode 

into spectacle 

a fragile bomb 

a wild animal 

drag me back to you 

i've skipped niceties before 

the difference 

is mathematical...   life minus you

your things are in my closet 

you can't have them back 

they are my scrapbook 

seedlings 

what you have left 

your smell your generosity 

rough and scientific 

the addition is 

my dearest...   kiss

I live in another world

Oh my head 

Blue stars. 

Blue ocean blue sky blue fish blue ponies’ blue forts blue ships. 

The man I presently love

Sleeps in a bed…  a rowboat.

We are one hundred feet from the shore.

Dry as dust.

And as always I’m twelve feet away

From everyone,

Reporting to myself, wait wait wait

For something to change

Someone to love me

More rain the alarm cancer

A plane medicine the internet

Results.

An exchange,  supper

He might say something, the bridge

End song.

Another song you begin.

Hum.

Instrumental

My smartest hardest heart

Having been keenly crouching

Diffident

My instrument

Spyglass and wine glass

Rings on the windowsill

This whole town unowned

Sprawling like a late child

Sprinting and framed

It hurts to see that trees were once asleep

It kills me

Cherries

Poison

I don’t know how to tell you this…

I did this to myself

I’m out there somewhere

With my smartest hardest heart.