August 30, 2010

everything is different now
all the clocks
are central standard time
jets are on the ground.
time flies by.

i suffered so much 
for someone that never cared
(she was right).
and everything is different now.

on the surface of the scar 
is a message
in braille
and only sweet love can read it.

i slept rotten as a child
i threw up in my sleep
i called out in my dreams
someone crawl into this bed 
and keep me company please!

and he comes.  tender

August 29, 2010

when i can't find the words-
they find me.
my little princes
my horses 
my ponies.

some of the words are polite
they invite themselves in
bringing such delightful  
and delicate offerings.
the others are not so humble
they storm the gates
they are wild and hungry things
in love with the trouble they make.

but i need each one
they are my odd medicine
sweet bittersweet salve-
love and poison.

August 26, 2010

i asked him to stop fucking the jazz singer 
so we could have a chance.
truest love.
i was standing under a rainbow in the flipping rain.
crying and laughing in my splashing clogs.
they filled with water and i weighed one hundred and sixty
and seventy and eighty and then one thousand pounds.
violet violence.
dear peter pan
please stop fucking the jazz singer 
so we stand a chance.
i think he said no but he was kissing me 
and my mouth filled with flowers
i went blind from beauty
and forgot the question.
oh. yeah.  
will you please stop fucking the jazz singer?
but he grabbed me
and we danced.
he kissed me again 
his mouth a green and rotten apple.

Chances were.
he tells me,
"we had our chance"
and i wonder when that was.
and how i missed it 
when a chance was all i ever wanted.
"we had our chance," he said.
and i thumb through the beginning.
and the middle.
and then the end.
and i wonder when.
when was that chance we had?
because i wanted it so so bad.

August 22, 2010

Grief is in it's hiding place
moving unseen
under my skin
it has no formal rhythm.
it is a rough diamond
a lover
and a thief
this time i invite it
my dear grief.
i let it come through
the door of my mouth
my eyes are cracked windows 
   and it cries me an ice house.
   and it whites out the lighthouse
   moves all of the stone walls. 
then just quiets and melts.

at night i seem drunk.  but it's just my penchant for dreaming

August 17, 2010

Speaker of the house
my guitar tells me secrets
it expects me to sing
sometimes such garbage
sometimes such lovely things

it predicts fire
it predicts lavender
a truth slinger  
my truthsayer

it plays the fool that i will be
each time i fall for his beauty
knowing the lazy bum that i am
the real fucking deal 
the obvious scam

my guitar feels it before me 
like animals and earthquakes

August 15, 2010

love can't decide
if i'm a woman or a girl
i hold my own hands and splash 
water on my face.
called me out
into the thick august air
a child insomniac
laying wide awake
in the driveway
under sticky rice paper stars
at three a.m.
at four
at five, and then
i am eye level with the orange sliced horizon
i am the lone audience 
to the great sparrow sing-a-long.

i sneak back into the house
i flip through a graphic medical journal 
until my eyes begin to ache

i am spinning
pizza crust on the dashboard
spiritual fallout on the way home
there's nothing wrong with my quiet heartbeat
there's nothing done inside of me
there's nothing all that angry
to be sure
i'm alive
i'm gonna be a dream for someone
oh someday someday
but today is today
and i am just real.

my heart is exhausted.

August 14, 2010

did i begin
or did i end

the soft links of a loose chain
rubbed crochet

there is little time to wrap ourselves through each other
and there is more space then time

more time than minutes
we lose the grip of each other's
long and broken fingers
we close our eyes 
and recognize 
bumper cars

August 11, 2010

August 8, 2010

i sold the piano for money
from my kitchen.
to a toe headed two year old.
her mother handed me a thousand dollars in cash and promised another thousand later.
she asked me to trust her.
i reminded her that i not only had the one thousand dollars in cash but i also still had the piano.
her daughter pulled a brass horse off my book shelf and covered it in a dress shirt i had thrown over the back of the couch.
the brass horse was now tucked in and napping on the floor.
i wasn't sure if i hated the child or not.
i was perplexed that her mother did not tell her to stop touching my things and to behave.
but the one thousand dollars was very good babysitting money.  

do not mistake what you throw away for loss.

August 6, 2010

sometimes i still check for my wedding ring.  unconsciously i stretch my thumb across the palm of my hand to give the thin gold band a gentle press.  i caught myself reaching for it early this morning as i left for work.  the sky was leftover purple..  a smiling moon hung inches from the last stubborn stars.  everything has changed but everything i have ever loved is still inside of me..  repeating itself in ticks and counter clockwork tears.  

August 3, 2010

a prayer.
that one day
i will know why 
but that until then
i will not need to know.

i go cold
it happens so fast
these days
i turn on 
i turn off.

damage like weather
sudden and violent
or the lazy and poisonous opposite.

i jump ship
i drag close
i am done 
i am not 
i am over 
an invisible anchor.

i carry the weight
of the fear 
of your sins 
i have never felt this before
how human we all are.
Ten minutes upstairs
sometimes blueberries help.
sweet breath.  soft bite.
draw me pretty
and apologize
lay me down on your new rug and 
take care of me for a little while
vow to be patient
i will too
i will pledge my kiss to you

August 2, 2010

The creek
i have cried so much.
i have cried in the dark
i have cried myself to sleep
i cried in silence
i have cried in the shower
i have cried on the floor
i cried pumping gas
i cried laughing. unraveling
i cried until my face was numb
i have cried at red lights
i have cried all night
i cried swimming
i cried a river in the river
i cried a creek
i cried on stage
kissing, i cried. he didn't know
how much i cried.
i cried for nothing.

"Try to be humble in your acceptance of someone else's frailties or trials and tribulations.  There is much about you that others don't understand, and yet they have faith in you anyway."    
      ....a little bit of my horoscope today.  

so true! and such a great reminder for me.  i hope i can offer others the same empathy, kindness and faith that others offer me.  

maybe i will be happy after all. 
choice is like that.
a maybe you control.