everything is different now

all the clocks

are central standard time

jets are on the ground.

time flies by.

i suffered so much 

for someone that never cared

(she was right).

and everything is different now.

on the surface of the scar 

is a message

in braille

and only sweet love can read it.

           ***

i slept rotten as a child

i threw up in my sleep

i called out in my dreams

someone crawl into this bed 

and keep me company please!

and he comes.  tender

Words

when i can't find the words-

they find me.

my little princes

my horses 

my ponies.

some of the words are polite

they invite themselves in

bringing such delightful  

and delicate offerings.

the others are not so humble

they storm the gates

they are wild and hungry things

in love with the trouble they make.

but i need each one

they are my odd medicine

sweet bittersweet salve-

love and poison.

i asked him to stop fucking the jazz singer 

so we could have a chance.

truest love.

i was standing under a rainbow in the flipping rain.

crying and laughing in my splashing clogs.

they filled with water and i weighed one hundred and sixty

and seventy and eighty and then one thousand pounds.

violet violence.

dear peter pan

please stop fucking the jazz singer 

so we stand a chance.

i think he said no but he was kissing me 

and my mouth filled with flowers

i went blind from beauty

and forgot the question.

oh. yeah.  

will you please stop fucking the jazz singer?

but he grabbed me

and we danced.

he kissed me again 

his mouth a green and rotten apple.

 

Chances were.

he tells me,

"we had our chance"

and i wonder when that was.

and how i missed it 

when a chance was all i ever wanted.

"we had our chance," he said.

and i thumb through the beginning.

and the middle.

and then the end.

and i wonder when.

when was that chance we had?

because i wanted it so so bad.

Grief is in it's hiding place

mostly

moving unseen

under my skin

it has no formal rhythm.

it is a rough diamond

a lover

and a thief

this time i invite it

my dear grief.

i let it come through

the door of my mouth

my eyes are cracked windows 

   and it cries me an ice house.

   and it whites out the lighthouse

   moves all of the stone walls. 

then just quiets and melts.

at night i seem drunk.  but it's just my penchant for dreaming

Speaker of the house

my guitar tells me secrets

it expects me to sing

sometimes such garbage

sometimes such lovely things

it predicts fire

it predicts lavender

a truth slinger  

my truthsayer

it plays the fool that i will be

each time i fall for his beauty

knowing the lazy bum that i am

the real fucking deal 

the obvious scam

my guitar feels it before me 

like animals and earthquakes

love can't decide

if i'm a woman or a girl

i hold my own hands and splash 

water on my face.

HEART

called me out

into the thick august air

a child insomniac

laying wide awake

in the driveway

under sticky rice paper stars

at three a.m.

at four

at five, and then

i am eye level with the orange sliced horizon

i am the lone audience 

to the great sparrow sing-a-long.

i sneak back into the house

i flip through a graphic medical journal 

until my eyes begin to ache

A CHILD INSOMNIAC

i am spinning

oblong

downtown

pizza crust on the dashboard

spiritual fallout on the way home

there's nothing wrong with my quiet heartbeat

there's nothing done inside of me

there's nothing all that angry

to be sure

i'm alive

i'm gonna be a dream for someone

oh someday someday

but today is today

and i am just real.

my heart is exhausted.

Yarn

did i begin

or did i end

the soft links of a loose chain

rubbed crochet

there is little time to wrap ourselves through each other

and there is more space then time

more time than minutes

we lose the grip of each other's

long and broken fingers

we close our eyes 

and recognize 

bumper cars

light as a feather stiff as a board

i sold the piano for money

from my kitchen.

to a toe headed two year old.

her mother handed me a thousand dollars in cash and promised another thousand later.

she asked me to trust her.

i reminded her that i not only had the one thousand dollars in cash but i also still had the piano.

her daughter pulled a brass horse off my book shelf and covered it in a dress shirt i had thrown over the back of the couch.

the brass horse was now tucked in and napping on the floor.

i wasn't sure if i hated the child or not.

i was perplexed that her mother did not tell her to stop touching my things and to behave.

but the one thousand dollars was very good babysitting money.  

do not mistake what you throw away for loss.

Evergreen

sometimes i still check for my wedding ring.  unconsciously i stretch my thumb across the palm of my hand to give the thin gold band a gentle press.  i caught myself reaching for it early this morning as i left for work.  the sky was leftover purple..  a smiling moon hung inches from the last stubborn stars.  everything has changed but everything i have ever loved is still inside of me..  repeating itself in ticks and counter clockwork tears.  

anchor, anchorless

a prayer.

that one day

i will know why 

but that until then

i will not need to know.

Damage

i go cold

snap

it happens so fast

these days

i turn on 

i turn off.

damage like weather

sudden and violent

or the lazy and poisonous opposite.

i jump ship

i drag close

i am done 

i am not 

i am over 

an invisible anchor.

i carry the weight

of the fear 

of your sins 

i have never felt this before

how human we all are.

Ten minutes upstairs

sometimes blueberries help.

sweet breath.  soft bite.

draw me pretty

and apologize

lay me down on your new rug and 

take care of me for a little while

vow to be patient

i will too

i will pledge my kiss to you

The creek

i have cried so much.

i have cried in the dark

i have cried myself to sleep

i cried in silence

i have cried in the shower

i have cried on the floor

i cried pumping gas

i cried laughing. unraveling

i cried until my face was numb

i have cried at red lights

i have cried all night

i cried swimming

i cried a river in the river

i cried a creek

i cried on stage

kissing, i cried. he didn't know

how much i cried.

i cried for nothing.

"Try to be humble in your acceptance of someone else's frailties or trials and tribulations.  There is much about you that others don't understand, and yet they have faith in you anyway."    

      ....a little bit of my horoscope today.  

so true! and such a great reminder for me.  i hope i can offer others the same empathy, kindness and faith that others offer me.  

maybe i will be happy after all. 

choice is like that.

a maybe you control.