December 26, 2010

is it your heart speaking
or your fear
of this mirror.

in tongues.

it is a death
that follows me through the city
the dark depth of wind
whipping garbage up my skirts.
around the corner they fly
like snow
and memory.
and handsome
and nothing to me.
for i am lost without you.
you whose touch is a feast
even being a stranger.
and loveless.

i weep.

perhaps i am the fool
but i stay open and steady
to what i believe
until it leaves...


December 24, 2010

i have seen a man completely.

lover liar artist fool
friend father

and the complete picture
made me love him more

and he has erased me for it.

In Reply, to Ainjel
BUT you do have
a gorgeous face
the memory
"the greatest ass i have ever seen"... recently texted to me by a friend i just introduced you to.
a perfect handful
monstrous talent
pretty dresses
the kindest eyes i have ever looked into.
and for the record
my friendship forever

December 19, 2010

i can only love a man who kisses me with a mouthful of poetry.
every other kiss is an execution

take his rusty lips
quietly tattooed
lovely flow and spill and spark and run and want and laugh
my love
your mouth so used
is still my fresh horse.

December 18, 2010

no worries------------------------i hope you are worried
oh ok -----------------------------thanks a lot asshole
um ok-----------------------------i don't understand why you are such an asshole
no big deal-----------------------you blew it
hmmmm-------------------------please stop saying what i don't want to hear and start saying what i do want to hear
i understand---------------------i don't understand
i get it----------------------------i don't get it
cool------------------------------not cool
that's fine------------------------you have ruined everything
c u around------------------------i'll be checking your twitter and facebook every 7 minutes for the next 3 months
good luck out there--------------may a string of bad luck hit you and drive you back into my arms.
it's all good----------------------i'm too good for you

December 14, 2010

would like to hold my heart underwater
rob it
and let its gifts fly away

December 11, 2010

The others
courage took action
and i looked.
and i saw us
we were the same-
innocent suspects.
a moonlit line up
for the thief
who picked all of us.

we make a mad circle
of true love.
we are linked together.
true believers
ribbons pinned.
the same-
blue ribbons.
we are each as wildly
in love with a lie
as the other.
we are lovers.

December 9, 2010

One two
i used to take numbers
dream numbers
i heard threes in the fuzz
at morning
as it broke open
as it broke up with night
i also heard nines
under bath water
as i drowned myself
and my battlegrounds out.

once, i heard two
me. and you.
we were the only one.

December 8, 2010

i drive to work
at dawn and in the dark
thinking about you.
your opposite eyes
and comic strip lips
your mouth full of declarations.
i think about our last kiss.
and the photograph of it
it is the only thing i saved.
it says everything you have forgotten
and everything i believe
and still
hold so very dear to me.

December 1, 2010

I could plant flowers
(today) i could
break dance
break hearts
beat someone up
fall in love
steal your boyfriend
flirt with disaster
run away
come clean
do the right thing
cry my eyes out
sleep around
show up
fuck off
change my mind
be beautiful
sleep all day
slap your stupid face
kiss it better
sing every word i speak
love you again
i could.

November 28, 2010

Counting Steps
the dog woke me up with an obedient whine. i stumbled through my dark apartment avoiding the obstacles like a blind person.. counting steps. in the pitch of blue and ghosty light i found my used winter coat.. my most recent proof that i am, in fact, easy to please. i slid my hands into it's well made pockets and took mabel outside. i felt whole, constructed of bone and blood and flesh.. the science of God. but also the mystery of God.. i was my soul filling a human container, holding it up, moving it forward. as the dog pissed, as the stars were fading, as the memory of how much i have hurt someone burned in my empty stomach, as i stood alone with no warm man stirring in my bed and my bones deformed and the metal in my back frozen from the cold november.. i found the words "i'm so strong," shivering on my tongue...

i'm counting steps until the light is back.. in the blind faith of morning.

November 25, 2010

i dreamed you
thin as a pine needle
lonely waking
coffee bubbles
in the kitchen.
i think,
you are never coming back.

but i dream
open and
my mind
throws you
up to the surface again
and there's nothing i can do about it,
not one fucking thing.
you built a house in here.

November 20, 2010

we are birth marked with it
stones under our skin
wood burned bone
sand for feet.

the moments stack
like clouds
atmosphere thick and beautiful
layered and falling

we want so much happiness
and we wail when
withheld and staggered,
black night. bright sun.
black night. bright sun.
and over and over again.

faith is breathing
in very thin air.

and underwater
and buried
lungs aching in your chest
for joy to come back again.

i fall asleep
to the noise
of neighbors clawing at each other
and other neighbors making love.
the sounds are the same.
a scarred music.
and i'm alone.
and i'm at peace with this.

November 11, 2010

November 9, 2010

my willful child
do not move an inch
you are a veteran of your own disappearance.
and all that was once strength
now makes you nervous.
because your strength don't work
strength = don't work
you struggle
to regain something.
What was once yours
is with somewhere else now
and somewhere is no one you know.

November 5, 2010

October 31, 2010

sweet deer---
muse of all muses.
dressing gowns---
grown man.
my dark eyed star
dark blue heart
i will sketch you
i will slur you
and sing you
you godly thing you.
i will hula hoop your smile
and bake you into bread
i will bathe in a river
crying your friendship---
crying our love
that was too hard for either of us.
i will wake up with your words in my mouth
they will be in another language.

my boy who lived with wolves
you came into my life
matted and wild
you would have slept in the trees
but instead you slept in a well made bed
just to sleep next to me.

October 30, 2010

the things i don't hold
have a hold on me.
i am reserved
for emergency.
my spare room.
i decorate it with sex
and music.
i disguise it with fashion.
with tigers and dreamers,
i drive a train through it.
i have no name for it.
oh wait.
it's emptiness.

October 27, 2010

i took everything off.
i wished things.
i buried jasmine under amethyst
i sewed the pockets of all my pants shut,
no secrets would i keep from myself.

but i lost control.
of the pain threshold.
of false hope.
i became violent water...
i turned you over
and as i held you under
you became wings
and flew away.

October 21, 2010

in the chance meeting of
lung to breath
forged a friendship.

sailed a long ship
rolled nose to nose
hope and hopeless.

sat the guru
a face
like a scarred moon
heart and wild cat
broken teething
and back to back.

a believer begins
in question.
a credo becoming

October 5, 2010

the outsider.
i don't care
if i'm within
the circle.

i don't care
if i'm heard.
or well known,
respected or

i don't care
if i'm invited.
or added.
or friended
and befriended.
or defriended.
i don't care anymore

if my ticks show
if my voice cracks
if i am stupid
or crazy or last
in a long line of fools.

i don't care
if the nerves show
if my face reddens
or if the hives grow.
i don't care
if my heart beats
through my fucking chest
so hard you can see it.
i will tear out this silicone ribcage
to show you the mechanics of loving this deep.
you can look... or not...
i just don't really care.

but i do really care about you.

we went on a robbing spree. we stole stars and clouds and patches of grass. we pulled apples off trees and slept in flower beds. at night electric trains circled our campsite. i washed my hair in a bird bath. louis took a rain shower. we made jewelry from hubcaps and soda pop cans. we french kissed under a sparrows nest and took naps in a fox hole.

and we never spoke. we only sang.

October 4, 2010

distance matched
a lit cigarette
glued to my ideas.
i'm telling you the truth so shut up.
already you run already you spit
small drops of tears of rain
of hurricane.
hang in there
but first. listen.
hang on to me.
please always
until i don't have a point.
until i am spinning out past the borders
until my makeup has disappeared
skin un-ironed.
the last of my crying a smudge on a sleeve
the last time i tried
you couldn't breathe
we were kicking and playing chicken
and reading
into things
it was great stuff.
you turned around and faced me.
you folded what was left of my heart
up under yours.
there is safety in numbers.


October 1, 2010

there are days. when i weaken.
when doing the right thing does not measure
up to the sofa cushion of your lips.
my ear against your chest
can hear an ocean.
an earth. a rotation.
a drum circle.
pulls me back in
there's a dance off
and you win.
and i'm your bitch again.
my slim rapper.
maybe i need you.

September 27, 2010

if bracing yourself
softened the smash,
i would tell you to do that.
but you have to dive into the crash.

September 25, 2010

has the moon been full for a month?
have i gotten over anything ever?
are these questions or statements?

i am not over anything. never.
i declare my declarations
i'm unprepared to offer
anymore information
but i do
do i?
i do
i do
i did and i will
i can and i still...

September 24, 2010

Wedding Cake
i walked to you
on younger legs
long for short
my heart- hoped for everyone.
i was cream
light for heavy
i spilled for anyone

but spoiled

and oh october eyes
attached and disfigured
melting at the hip
the years like one tornado
this connection was beyond
us and always
just as it was broken
your tears were
my body of water
and i was yours.
wedding cake.

September 23, 2010

have you ever been on an airplane in a half nap.. all sleepy and stupid, staring blankly at the back of the seat in front of you and you might just as well be in a waiting room at the dentist rather than one of 200 bodies smashed into this noisy jet when suddenly you remember that you are actually just a one hundred pound very breakable human, being flown through the clouds at hundreds of miles an hour, in a pretty heavy metal box that only stays up based on a limited amount of fuel that keeps ... shit i have no idea how it stays up ...
here! the Physics Factbook says it better...

All four models uses the jet engine which operates on the principle of Newton's third law of motion, which states that for every action, there is an opposite but equal reaction. A jet sucks air into the front, squeezes the air by pulling it through a series of spinning compressors, mixes it with fuel, and ignites the fuel, which then explodes rearward with great force out through the exhaust nozzle. This great rearward force is balanced with an equal force that pushes the jet engine, and the airplane attached to it, forward. Thrust is the force that propels an airplane forward through the air. It is provided by the airplane's propulsion system in this case by a jet engine.

that's how i feel right now. like i just realized how fast we're going. and how high up we are.

we are so difficult
you and i.
the boy and girl of us
all mixed up.
i get mad and old
i try to run
your hand holds mine
but faithfully
loyalty being everything to me.
and one of your
distinguishing qualities.
but who is where
is what is how?
and when are you coming over?
i want you here now

September 21, 2010

today was one of those days that i could not manage much more than throwing one blind foot in front of the other. i bumped into things. i said yes when i meant no. i forgot whole sentences just two seconds after speaking them. i cried when i pulled back the plastic curtain after a steamy shower and cold air conditioning pulled the warm envelope from my naked body. everything changes like that. you wake up sleeping. you fall asleep awake. there is no safe place between the states. no period to prepare you. no little room to rest.. a soft bench and a soft drink. there's just insomnia and your deep dreams. light and dark. dawn is a trick.

September 19, 2010

i started to heal the moment i realized i was lost.

i woke up. i opened my eyes and looked around. i had no idea where i was. i was hungry. and wet. my back was broken. my shoes were useless, my clothes too heavy. i spun in slow circles, surveying the vast expanse of darkness that surrounded me until i saw what i thought might be a light. it was very far away but looked possible to get to.. maybe it was a house, i thought. maybe they had food they would share, a bed, a shower. i felt a survival instinct like i'd never felt before. it flooded my whole being and i began to move forward. at first i moved very slowly. and backwards. i hit many things because i refused to turn ahead. i had convinced myself that if i lost track of where i had been i would never know where i was going, that i would never be able to get back there. so i moved forward at the slowest pace and kept my eyes steadfast on what was behind me. only briefly turning to make sure that i was still headed towards the faded and far off light.

i didn't seem to be on a path. i tripped over rocks and slipped into ditches. once, i even tumbled and fell to the ground so hard that i wasn't sure if i could continue. but i got up, injured. it wasn't long before i began to fear that the light would not be there when i turned around so i took to facing forward in the direction that i was actually moving, for at least a little bit. i traded off this way for awhile, calming myself with the security of seeing where i had been and also knowing where i was going. the light in front of me seemed to be getting closer. it was definitely getting brighter. a moon-like yellow. i became attached to that light and my backwards walks became shorter and shorter as i missed that sweet and calming light when i couldn't see it. it became easier to not look back and a couple of times when i turned i could just barely see where i had been. i paniced at first but then my need to get to the light turned me back around.

soon, where i had been was further away then the light ahead. and that light was getting close enough to be lighting the path ahead of me. what had once been rocky and black and blind.. shadows, was now a muted morning.. the very slight beginnings of dawn. and that dawn was a gentle warmth. my clothes were drying and softening and i could see almost clearly where i was going. it was an actual wide and marked path.. there were arrows and signs and even rest stops. wonderful places i could stop for a night or two and rest as i stayed on this path that was leading me to my bright destination.

I am writing this from one of those rest stops. they have taken me in for the night. or for however long i need to stay. all of the windows in this small room face the direction i have been traveling towards. light floods in through them letting me know that it is still there and that everything is exactly as it should be.

and i have begun to trust the light.

September 18, 2010

just got Mary Robinson's book of photographs in the mail.  her photography touches me...  it is haunting and lovely and has a stillness that is moving.  and she's only 17! 
i admire this young woman.


her blog:

September 16, 2010

Make believe stars
i remember when you were human
a song
i sung often.
when you were possibility
you arrived
in the shape of a gift
and introduced yourself to me.
and we kissed.

now i kiss
monkey wrenches
where your lips would be.

make believe stars
are out in the trash
behind a trashed painting.
and the cheap smell
of cheap leather,
is this poor condition.
hate like none other
none. ever.
blind pain.
how you made me suffer
a pony pendulum
between my breasts
it was never yours
never. ever.

ponies are mine.

September 15, 2010

Grown ups are strangers i know
the scratch that tells you how tall you were
when the kitchen was clean and smelled like pot roast
when squeezed grapefruit halves are at the top of the full garbage
and papa's shorts are drying in a cool twilight
above the stone bird bath.
and my grandmother is putting the candy where we can reach it
and i can't decide what to play with..
the orange teddy bear we all share
or the keys that i imagine will unlock a secret room.
when i hear the name josephine 
when i hear the name ann
when i hear the name dennis
and margaret

grown ups are strangers i know

September 12, 2010

lying is psychological abuse. it robs you of a security that we all deserve. it steals your basic right to make decisions based on the simple truth. when a person lies to you consistently, it changes who you are.. it kills the innocent trust in yourself that we are all born with. and, of course, if you can't trust yourself how can you ever trust another?

over the last year and a half i have learned more about lying than i ever could have planned on. and the wreckage has been extremely difficult to dig through. but i am beginning to trust others again and more importantly i am learning to trust my own gut. again.

September 11, 2010

bright sun is filling up saturday.
the house is messy and muddy.
it rained all week. 
  you rode here on your new bike 
  and tracked mud through the house.
it made me so happy.

up to something. obviously.
no good.

September 10, 2010

my heart does not recognize you anymore.

is this being over it?

September 9, 2010

he says,
"those shoes make me
want to marry you."

he's a keeper.

September 6, 2010

something about tonight was perfect.  it started with the unicorn twilight raspberry sherbet sky.  it was ridiculous.  then Wilco's
smile all the time came on the car stereo.  that's the moment i realized that something about tonight was perfect.  
i was driving east on fifth st. and trying to take a picture of the dropping pink horizon's reflection in my Frost building.  Half of it was the color of melted rhubarb and the other half was a gothic steel grey.  that's like my personality, i thought.  i was giggling as i snapped the photograph while rolling a reckless five miles an hour towards the stopped suburban just ahead of me at a red light.  i really wanted that picture.  but the picture i didn't get was even better.  
sometimes the thing that fits in the place we were trying to squeeze the thing that we didn't get can be so freaking beautiful. 

latte art.  abstract.

September 2, 2010

his eyes are a challenge
not to look at
they are film and stars
they switch
they flip me out
dark blue eyes. 
bitten.  touched.  blackened.
and they hold me.  
both eyes are honest
they get angry
they cry
they are a moon
eclipsed sometimes
by dark blue sky.

they also have the most beautiful smile.

August 30, 2010

everything is different now
all the clocks
are central standard time
jets are on the ground.
time flies by.

i suffered so much 
for someone that never cared
(she was right).
and everything is different now.

on the surface of the scar 
is a message
in braille
and only sweet love can read it.

i slept rotten as a child
i threw up in my sleep
i called out in my dreams
someone crawl into this bed 
and keep me company please!

and he comes.  tender

August 29, 2010

when i can't find the words-
they find me.
my little princes
my horses 
my ponies.

some of the words are polite
they invite themselves in
bringing such delightful  
and delicate offerings.
the others are not so humble
they storm the gates
they are wild and hungry things
in love with the trouble they make.

but i need each one
they are my odd medicine
sweet bittersweet salve-
love and poison.

August 26, 2010

i asked him to stop fucking the jazz singer 
so we could have a chance.
truest love.
i was standing under a rainbow in the flipping rain.
crying and laughing in my splashing clogs.
they filled with water and i weighed one hundred and sixty
and seventy and eighty and then one thousand pounds.
violet violence.
dear peter pan
please stop fucking the jazz singer 
so we stand a chance.
i think he said no but he was kissing me 
and my mouth filled with flowers
i went blind from beauty
and forgot the question.
oh. yeah.  
will you please stop fucking the jazz singer?
but he grabbed me
and we danced.
he kissed me again 
his mouth a green and rotten apple.

Chances were.
he tells me,
"we had our chance"
and i wonder when that was.
and how i missed it 
when a chance was all i ever wanted.
"we had our chance," he said.
and i thumb through the beginning.
and the middle.
and then the end.
and i wonder when.
when was that chance we had?
because i wanted it so so bad.

August 22, 2010

Grief is in it's hiding place
moving unseen
under my skin
it has no formal rhythm.
it is a rough diamond
a lover
and a thief
this time i invite it
my dear grief.
i let it come through
the door of my mouth
my eyes are cracked windows 
   and it cries me an ice house.
   and it whites out the lighthouse
   moves all of the stone walls. 
then just quiets and melts.

at night i seem drunk.  but it's just my penchant for dreaming

August 17, 2010

Speaker of the house
my guitar tells me secrets
it expects me to sing
sometimes such garbage
sometimes such lovely things

it predicts fire
it predicts lavender
a truth slinger  
my truthsayer

it plays the fool that i will be
each time i fall for his beauty
knowing the lazy bum that i am
the real fucking deal 
the obvious scam

my guitar feels it before me 
like animals and earthquakes

August 15, 2010

love can't decide
if i'm a woman or a girl
i hold my own hands and splash 
water on my face.
called me out
into the thick august air
a child insomniac
laying wide awake
in the driveway
under sticky rice paper stars
at three a.m.
at four
at five, and then
i am eye level with the orange sliced horizon
i am the lone audience 
to the great sparrow sing-a-long.

i sneak back into the house
i flip through a graphic medical journal 
until my eyes begin to ache

i am spinning
pizza crust on the dashboard
spiritual fallout on the way home
there's nothing wrong with my quiet heartbeat
there's nothing done inside of me
there's nothing all that angry
to be sure
i'm alive
i'm gonna be a dream for someone
oh someday someday
but today is today
and i am just real.

my heart is exhausted.

August 14, 2010

did i begin
or did i end

the soft links of a loose chain
rubbed crochet

there is little time to wrap ourselves through each other
and there is more space then time

more time than minutes
we lose the grip of each other's
long and broken fingers
we close our eyes 
and recognize 
bumper cars

August 11, 2010

August 8, 2010

i sold the piano for money
from my kitchen.
to a toe headed two year old.
her mother handed me a thousand dollars in cash and promised another thousand later.
she asked me to trust her.
i reminded her that i not only had the one thousand dollars in cash but i also still had the piano.
her daughter pulled a brass horse off my book shelf and covered it in a dress shirt i had thrown over the back of the couch.
the brass horse was now tucked in and napping on the floor.
i wasn't sure if i hated the child or not.
i was perplexed that her mother did not tell her to stop touching my things and to behave.
but the one thousand dollars was very good babysitting money.  

do not mistake what you throw away for loss.

August 6, 2010

sometimes i still check for my wedding ring.  unconsciously i stretch my thumb across the palm of my hand to give the thin gold band a gentle press.  i caught myself reaching for it early this morning as i left for work.  the sky was leftover purple..  a smiling moon hung inches from the last stubborn stars.  everything has changed but everything i have ever loved is still inside of me..  repeating itself in ticks and counter clockwork tears.  

August 3, 2010

a prayer.
that one day
i will know why 
but that until then
i will not need to know.

i go cold
it happens so fast
these days
i turn on 
i turn off.

damage like weather
sudden and violent
or the lazy and poisonous opposite.

i jump ship
i drag close
i am done 
i am not 
i am over 
an invisible anchor.

i carry the weight
of the fear 
of your sins 
i have never felt this before
how human we all are.
Ten minutes upstairs
sometimes blueberries help.
sweet breath.  soft bite.
draw me pretty
and apologize
lay me down on your new rug and 
take care of me for a little while
vow to be patient
i will too
i will pledge my kiss to you

August 2, 2010

The creek
i have cried so much.
i have cried in the dark
i have cried myself to sleep
i cried in silence
i have cried in the shower
i have cried on the floor
i cried pumping gas
i cried laughing. unraveling
i cried until my face was numb
i have cried at red lights
i have cried all night
i cried swimming
i cried a river in the river
i cried a creek
i cried on stage
kissing, i cried. he didn't know
how much i cried.
i cried for nothing.

"Try to be humble in your acceptance of someone else's frailties or trials and tribulations.  There is much about you that others don't understand, and yet they have faith in you anyway."    
      ....a little bit of my horoscope today.  

so true! and such a great reminder for me.  i hope i can offer others the same empathy, kindness and faith that others offer me.  

maybe i will be happy after all. 
choice is like that.
a maybe you control.

July 27, 2010

Because i am needy
i will need a few things from you...

Call me by my name.
Listen to my stories sometimes.. even though they annoy you sometimes.
Tell me your truth
not the truth i want to hear
but the truth you are living.
Let me explain something if i know more about it than you.

Kiss me a lot.
If you need more kisses please tell me.. with your lips..
Ask me to do things for you.  i need to be reminded.

Understand that i'm terrified.  of almost everything.  until i am brave.
and then i am very very brave.
Play me ragtime on the piano.

Love me until you don't.

don't be angry when i say things like, "love me until you don't."

Wear the red pants.
Tell me your dreams even when i'm tired.  
Come over tonight and hold my hand on the couch.


los angeles, 
train yards.

July 26, 2010

who am i anymore
cherry juice dripping river down my fingers.
drying dark blue.  lips. 

black coffee grounds under my nails
too tired to pick up my guitar
i care.
i still care.

my ambition like a ghost
peripheral harmony
disarming me
get the fuck away from me.

i dream
and i'm angry

July 25, 2010

happiness seemed to come out of nowhere
but i think it was in me all along.

July 19, 2010

i can be okay
even without answers
with never knowing
nor understanding

i can take this brand new heart
and let it be loved again.
even though there 
is another one.

my last heart
a dying song.

July 18, 2010

i am learning about myself
every day
i wake up doped on dreams
mascara smudged into the lines around my eyes
black hooded sweatshirt pulled up over my mothers haircut
squinting for any sight at all
chanting like a drunkard
coffee coffee coffee
moving towards the light
and the life
eager to learn how to live right 
eager to do the next right thing 

today today today

is this the groundlessness they speak of?
sheer drops on either side
fear stretching slim in front of me and falling for three miles
yet i stand up straight here
so very much alive.

when i think of mad love
i will always think of you
a stitch in my lop side
a tug at my deep chest
baby i really tried.

mine is a plain to see heart
mine is a scaredy cat
mine is a surprise party
all the time.

July 15, 2010

The Raising
there are no babies coming
my belly has no baby room
but a dirt house is being built
a new home on flattened land
old property
raked earth
mud caked wall i'm so tired
my eyes are closing 
i watch all my friends become mothers
just set up shop in my heart and i'll be happy

July 14, 2010

i didn't even mean that.  at the time i did, yes, but now i feel different. 
if only i could write something that i meant for longer than it took to write it.  

July 12, 2010

i saw you in the dense light of my dreams
last night.
you were running away from me.
i was crying.
sometimes it is not what we are ready for
but what we are capable of.

my truth was always true.

last night 
i saw you in the dense light of my dreams.
you were running away.
i was crying.

July 10, 2010

prairie dog
my lips are beginning to believe again.
the pieces of the woman that i was
find their way back to each other
as we kiss. 
as you memorize my face
with your curious fingertips
shadow earthquakes 
are my harrowing tic's.
you're touch is medicine 
and i am healing 
under it.

July 9, 2010

what is real anymore?

black eyeliner i can't throw out
a jewel hued dress.. balled up in a plastic tub 
under t-shirts i took for souvenirs 
from concerts i played.  in some other lifetime.
was that real?

my 45's.
The Beatles, The BeeGees, 
Bette Midler,
Chicken Fat.
my mother exercised to that one in her thirties.
singing along 
singing about her 'chicken fat'
i sucked my thumb from my fathers nubby chair.
quiet and pleased.  as my mother lay on her back 
with her legs in the air.. doing the bicycle.
was that really me?

what is real anymore?
when you love something so much that you vow
to never betray it. 
a horse i groomed relentlessly.. sharing apples with him,
bite for bite.  horse slobber mixed into my chapstick.
the happiest i have ever been.
that was real. 

and what were we my dear? 
with no memories to recall
with no moments to rely on for evidence 
like smelling salts is the absolute lack
of resonance.
but a feeling i trusted and followed
only to find nothing.
nothing was real.

July 7, 2010

Two birds
a bluebird
a blackbird
one on each shoulder

both birds sing 
one sweet, one dark
birds nesting in my heart
they won't fly.

the daybreak
the heartache
and just below them both
the floodgates.

both birds sing
one sweet, one dark
birds nesting in my heart
they won't fly....

July 6, 2010

i'm deaf
can you hear me >
i'm hard to listen to
when i'm hollering. 
when i'm protesting.

light the virgin de gaudalupe
drive slow.
pass the mural of Cesar Chavez
stop at the seven bridges...
there is a lake on fire
with your image outlined in flames
one disastrous smile 
is still rippling 
around me
such fucking beauty.

July 2, 2010

The 5th
in a few days this will pass
i keep telling myself that.

another holiday will fade
paper firecrackers 
and birthday cake
and the same stupid wish
that i always make
as i lead the pack 
in my personal pity parade.

it will pass.
i know that.

my neighbors in the apartment across from me are drinking beer and blasting southern rock while shooting bb guns off their front porch.  i live in texas.  

i have the strongest emotion
but no words for it 
just the feeling of you.

a loneliness.

ocean eye.