complete
December 30, 2010
December 26, 2010
is it your heart speaking
or your fear
of this mirror.
in tongues.
it is a death
that follows me through the city
the dark depth of wind
whipping garbage up my skirts.
men
around the corner they fly
like snow
and memory.
and handsome
and nothing to me.
for i am lost without you.
you whose touch is a feast
even being a stranger.
and loveless.
i weep.
perhaps i am the fool
but i stay open and steady
to what i believe
until it leaves...
me.
December 24, 2010
In Reply, to Ainjel
BUT you do havedepth
goofiness
a gorgeous face
LOVE
the memory
wings
"the greatest ass i have ever seen"... recently texted to me by a friend i just introduced you to.
magic
rhythm
a perfect handful
songs
heart
monstrous talent
pretty dresses
warmth
originality
the kindest eyes i have ever looked into.
and for the record
my friendship forever
December 19, 2010
December 18, 2010
THINGS I SAY WHEN I'M HURT--WHAT I REALLY MEAN
no worries------------------------i hope you are worried
oh ok -----------------------------thanks a lot asshole
um ok-----------------------------i don't understand why you are such an asshole
no big deal-----------------------you blew it
hmmmm-------------------------please stop saying what i don't want to hear and start saying what i do want to hear
i understand---------------------i don't understand
i get it----------------------------i don't get it
cool------------------------------not cool
that's fine------------------------you have ruined everything
c u around------------------------i'll be checking your twitter and facebook every 7 minutes for the next 3 months
good luck out there--------------may a string of bad luck hit you and drive you back into my arms.
it's all good----------------------i'm too good for you
December 11, 2010
The others
courage took action
and i looked.
and i saw us
we were the same-
innocent suspects.
a moonlit line up
for the thief
who picked all of us.
ladies
we make a mad circle
of true love.
we are linked together.
true believers
penned-
ribbons pinned.
the same-
blue ribbons.
tied..
we are each as wildly
in love with a lie
as the other.
we are lovers.
December 9, 2010
December 8, 2010
i drive to work
at dawn and in the dark
thinking about you.
your opposite eyes
and comic strip lips
your mouth full of declarations.
i think about our last kiss.
and the photograph of it
it is the only thing i saved.
it says everything you have forgotten
and everything i believe
and still
hold so very dear to me.
December 1, 2010
I could plant flowers
(today) i couldbreak dance
break hearts
beat someone up
fall in love
steal your boyfriend
believe
flirt with disaster
run away
come clean
do the right thing
cry my eyes out
sleep around
speed
blush
show up
fuck off
change my mind
be beautiful
dream
sleep all day
slap your stupid face
kiss it better
sing every word i speak
love you again
i could.
November 28, 2010
Counting Steps
the dog woke me up with an obedient whine. i stumbled through my dark apartment avoiding the obstacles like a blind person.. counting steps. in the pitch of blue and ghosty light i found my used winter coat.. my most recent proof that i am, in fact, easy to please. i slid my hands into it's well made pockets and took mabel outside. i felt whole, constructed of bone and blood and flesh.. the science of God. but also the mystery of God.. i was my soul filling a human container, holding it up, moving it forward. as the dog pissed, as the stars were fading, as the memory of how much i have hurt someone burned in my empty stomach, as i stood alone with no warm man stirring in my bed and my bones deformed and the metal in my back frozen from the cold november.. i found the words "i'm so strong," shivering on my tongue...
i'm counting steps until the light is back.. in the blind faith of morning.
November 25, 2010
November 20, 2010
faith
we are birth marked with it
stones under our skin
wood burned bone
sand for feet.
the moments stack
like clouds
atmosphere thick and beautiful
layered and falling
rain.
we want so much happiness
and we wail when
withheld and staggered,
black night. bright sun.
black night. bright sun.
and over and over again.
---------------------------
faith is breathing
in very thin air.
and underwater
and buried
lungs aching in your chest
for joy to come back again.
i fall asleep
to the noise
of neighbors clawing at each other
and other neighbors making love.
the sounds are the same.
a scarred music.
and i'm alone.
and i'm at peace with this.
November 17, 2010
November 9, 2010
October 31, 2010
Wolf
sweet deer---muse of all muses.
dressing gowns---
grown man.
my dark eyed star
dark blue heart
i will sketch you
i will slur you
and sing you
you godly thing you.
fetching---
i will hula hoop your smile
and bake you into bread
i will bathe in a river
crying your friendship---
crying our love
that was too hard for either of us.
i will wake up with your words in my mouth
they will be in another language.
my boy who lived with wolves
you came into my life
matted and wild
you would have slept in the trees
but instead you slept in a well made bed
just to sleep next to me.
October 30, 2010
October 27, 2010
October 21, 2010
October 5, 2010
the outsider.
i don't care
if i'm within
the circle.
i don't care
if i'm heard.
or well known,
respected or
regarded.
i don't care
if i'm invited.
or added.
or friended
and befriended.
or defriended.
i don't care anymore
if my ticks show
if my voice cracks
if i am stupid
or crazy or last
in a long line of fools.
i don't care
if the nerves show
if my face reddens
or if the hives grow.
i don't care
if my heart beats
through my fucking chest
so hard you can see it.
i will tear out this silicone ribcage
to show you the mechanics of loving this deep.
you can look... or not...
i just don't really care.
but i do really care about you.
we went on a robbing spree. we stole stars and clouds and patches of grass. we pulled apples off trees and slept in flower beds. at night electric trains circled our campsite. i washed my hair in a bird bath. louis took a rain shower. we made jewelry from hubcaps and soda pop cans. we french kissed under a sparrows nest and took naps in a fox hole.
and we never spoke. we only sang.
October 4, 2010
distance matched
a lit cigarette
glued to my ideas.
i'm telling you the truth so shut up.
already you run already you spit
small drops of tears of rain
of hurricane.
hang in there
but first. listen.
hang on to me.
please always
until i don't have a point.
until i am spinning out past the borders
until my makeup has disappeared
skin un-ironed.
the last of my crying a smudge on a sleeve
the last time i tried
you couldn't breathe
we were kicking and playing chicken
and reading
into things
it was great stuff.
you turned around and faced me.
you folded what was left of my heart
up under yours.
there is safety in numbers.
baby.
shrug.
October 1, 2010
there are days. when i weaken.
when doing the right thing does not measure
up to the sofa cushion of your lips.
my ear against your chest
can hear an ocean.
an earth. a rotation.
a drum circle.
pulls me back in
there's a dance off
and you win.
and i'm your bitch again.
my slim rapper.
maybe i need you.
September 27, 2010
September 25, 2010
September 24, 2010
Wedding Cake
i walked to you
on younger legs
long for short
my heart- hoped for everyone.
i was cream
light for heavy
i spilled for anyone
but spoiled
and oh october eyes
attached and disfigured
melting at the hip
the years like one tornado
this connection was beyond
us and always
just as it was broken
your tears were
my body of water
and i was yours.
wedding cake.
September 23, 2010
have you ever been on an airplane in a half nap.. all sleepy and stupid, staring blankly at the back of the seat in front of you and you might just as well be in a waiting room at the dentist rather than one of 200 bodies smashed into this noisy jet when suddenly you remember that you are actually just a one hundred pound very breakable human, being flown through the clouds at hundreds of miles an hour, in a pretty heavy metal box that only stays up based on a limited amount of fuel that keeps ... shit i have no idea how it stays up ...
here! the Physics Factbook says it better...
All four models uses the jet engine which operates on the principle of Newton's third law of motion, which states that for every action, there is an opposite but equal reaction. A jet sucks air into the front, squeezes the air by pulling it through a series of spinning compressors, mixes it with fuel, and ignites the fuel, which then explodes rearward with great force out through the exhaust nozzle. This great rearward force is balanced with an equal force that pushes the jet engine, and the airplane attached to it, forward. Thrust is the force that propels an airplane forward through the air. It is provided by the airplane's propulsion system in this case by a jet engine.
that's how i feel right now. like i just realized how fast we're going. and how high up we are.
September 21, 2010
today was one of those days that i could not manage much more than throwing one blind foot in front of the other. i bumped into things. i said yes when i meant no. i forgot whole sentences just two seconds after speaking them. i cried when i pulled back the plastic curtain after a steamy shower and cold air conditioning pulled the warm envelope from my naked body. everything changes like that. you wake up sleeping. you fall asleep awake. there is no safe place between the states. no period to prepare you. no little room to rest.. a soft bench and a soft drink. there's just insomnia and your deep dreams. light and dark. dawn is a trick.
September 19, 2010
Healing.
i started to heal the moment i realized i was lost.
i woke up. i opened my eyes and looked around. i had no idea where i was. i was hungry. and wet. my back was broken. my shoes were useless, my clothes too heavy. i spun in slow circles, surveying the vast expanse of darkness that surrounded me until i saw what i thought might be a light. it was very far away but looked possible to get to.. maybe it was a house, i thought. maybe they had food they would share, a bed, a shower. i felt a survival instinct like i'd never felt before. it flooded my whole being and i began to move forward. at first i moved very slowly. and backwards. i hit many things because i refused to turn ahead. i had convinced myself that if i lost track of where i had been i would never know where i was going, that i would never be able to get back there. so i moved forward at the slowest pace and kept my eyes steadfast on what was behind me. only briefly turning to make sure that i was still headed towards the faded and far off light.
i didn't seem to be on a path. i tripped over rocks and slipped into ditches. once, i even tumbled and fell to the ground so hard that i wasn't sure if i could continue. but i got up, injured. it wasn't long before i began to fear that the light would not be there when i turned around so i took to facing forward in the direction that i was actually moving, for at least a little bit. i traded off this way for awhile, calming myself with the security of seeing where i had been and also knowing where i was going. the light in front of me seemed to be getting closer. it was definitely getting brighter. a moon-like yellow. i became attached to that light and my backwards walks became shorter and shorter as i missed that sweet and calming light when i couldn't see it. it became easier to not look back and a couple of times when i turned i could just barely see where i had been. i paniced at first but then my need to get to the light turned me back around.
soon, where i had been was further away then the light ahead. and that light was getting close enough to be lighting the path ahead of me. what had once been rocky and black and blind.. shadows, was now a muted morning.. the very slight beginnings of dawn. and that dawn was a gentle warmth. my clothes were drying and softening and i could see almost clearly where i was going. it was an actual wide and marked path.. there were arrows and signs and even rest stops. wonderful places i could stop for a night or two and rest as i stayed on this path that was leading me to my bright destination.
I am writing this from one of those rest stops. they have taken me in for the night. or for however long i need to stay. all of the windows in this small room face the direction i have been traveling towards. light floods in through them letting me know that it is still there and that everything is exactly as it should be.
and i have begun to trust the light.
September 18, 2010
September 16, 2010
Make believe stars
i remember when you were humana song
i sung often.
when you were possibility
you arrived
in the shape of a gift
and introduced yourself to me.
and we kissed.
now i kiss
monkey wrenches
where your lips would be.
make believe stars
are out in the trash
behind a trashed painting.
and the cheap smell
of cheap leather,
is this poor condition.
hate like none other
none. ever.
blind pain.
how you made me suffer
a pony pendulum
between my breasts
it was never yours
never. ever.
ponies are mine.
September 15, 2010
Grown ups are strangers i know
the scratch that tells you how tall you werewhen the kitchen was clean and smelled like pot roast
when squeezed grapefruit halves are at the top of the full garbage
and papa's shorts are drying in a cool twilight
above the stone bird bath.
and my grandmother is putting the candy where we can reach it
and i can't decide what to play with..
the orange teddy bear we all share
or the keys that i imagine will unlock a secret room.
when i hear the name josephine
when i hear the name ann
when i hear the name dennis
and margaret
grown ups are strangers i know
September 12, 2010
Guts
lying is psychological abuse. it robs you of a security that we all deserve. it steals your basic right to make decisions based on the simple truth. when a person lies to you consistently, it changes who you are.. it kills the innocent trust in yourself that we are all born with. and, of course, if you can't trust yourself how can you ever trust another?over the last year and a half i have learned more about lying than i ever could have planned on. and the wreckage has been extremely difficult to dig through. but i am beginning to trust others again and more importantly i am learning to trust my own gut. again.
September 11, 2010
September 6, 2010
something about tonight was perfect. it started with the unicorn twilight raspberry sherbet sky. it was ridiculous. then Wilco's smile all the time came on the car stereo. that's the moment i realized that something about tonight was perfect.
i was driving east on fifth st. and trying to take a picture of the dropping pink horizon's reflection in my Frost building. Half of it was the color of melted rhubarb and the other half was a gothic steel grey. that's like my personality, i thought. i was giggling as i snapped the photograph while rolling a reckless five miles an hour towards the stopped suburban just ahead of me at a red light. i really wanted that picture. but the picture i didn't get was even better.
sometimes the thing that fits in the place we were trying to squeeze the thing that we didn't get can be so freaking beautiful.
September 3, 2010
September 2, 2010
August 30, 2010
everything is different now
all the clocks
are central standard time
jets are on the ground.
time flies by.
i suffered so much
for someone that never cared
(she was right).
and everything is different now.
on the surface of the scar
is a message
in braille
and only sweet love can read it.
***
i slept rotten as a child
i threw up in my sleep
i called out in my dreams
someone crawl into this bed
and keep me company please!
and he comes. tender
August 29, 2010
Words
when i can't find the words-they find me.
my little princes
my horses
my ponies.
some of the words are polite
they invite themselves in
bringing such delightful
and delicate offerings.
the others are not so humble
they storm the gates
they are wild and hungry things
in love with the trouble they make.
but i need each one
they are my odd medicine
sweet bittersweet salve-
love and poison.
August 26, 2010
i asked him to stop fucking the jazz singer
so we could have a chance.
truest love.
i was standing under a rainbow in the flipping rain.
crying and laughing in my splashing clogs.
they filled with water and i weighed one hundred and sixty
and seventy and eighty and then one thousand pounds.
violet violence.
dear peter pan
please stop fucking the jazz singer
so we stand a chance.
i think he said no but he was kissing me
and my mouth filled with flowers
i went blind from beauty
and forgot the question.
oh. yeah.
will you please stop fucking the jazz singer?
but he grabbed me
and we danced.
he kissed me again
his mouth a green and rotten apple.
August 22, 2010
Grief is in it's hiding place
mostly
moving unseen
under my skin
it has no formal rhythm.
it is a rough diamond
a lover
and a thief
this time i invite it
my dear grief.
i let it come through
the door of my mouth
my eyes are cracked windows
and it cries me an ice house.
and it whites out the lighthouse
moves all of the stone walls.
then just quiets and melts.
August 21, 2010
August 17, 2010
Speaker of the house
my guitar tells me secretsit expects me to sing
sometimes such garbage
sometimes such lovely things
it predicts fire
it predicts lavender
a truth slinger
my truthsayer
it plays the fool that i will be
each time i fall for his beauty
knowing the lazy bum that i am
the real fucking deal
the obvious scam
my guitar feels it before me
like animals and earthquakes
August 15, 2010
love can't decide
if i'm a woman or a girl
i hold my own hands and splash
water on my face.
HEART
called me out
into the thick august air
a child insomniac
laying wide awake
in the driveway
under sticky rice paper stars
at three a.m.
at four
at five, and then
i am eye level with the orange sliced horizon
i am the lone audience
to the great sparrow sing-a-long.
i sneak back into the house
i flip through a graphic medical journal
until my eyes begin to ache
A CHILD INSOMNIAC
i am spinning
oblong
downtown
pizza crust on the dashboard
spiritual fallout on the way home
there's nothing wrong with my quiet heartbeat
there's nothing done inside of me
there's nothing all that angry
to be sure
i'm alive
i'm gonna be a dream for someone
oh someday someday
but today is today
and i am just real.
August 14, 2010
August 8, 2010
i sold the piano for money
from my kitchen.
to a toe headed two year old.
her mother handed me a thousand dollars in cash and promised another thousand later.
she asked me to trust her.
i reminded her that i not only had the one thousand dollars in cash but i also still had the piano.
her daughter pulled a brass horse off my book shelf and covered it in a dress shirt i had thrown over the back of the couch.
the brass horse was now tucked in and napping on the floor.
i wasn't sure if i hated the child or not.
i was perplexed that her mother did not tell her to stop touching my things and to behave.
but the one thousand dollars was very good babysitting money.
August 6, 2010
Evergreen
sometimes i still check for my wedding ring. unconsciously i stretch my thumb across the palm of my hand to give the thin gold band a gentle press. i caught myself reaching for it early this morning as i left for work. the sky was leftover purple.. a smiling moon hung inches from the last stubborn stars. everything has changed but everything i have ever loved is still inside of me.. repeating itself in ticks and counter clockwork tears. August 3, 2010
Damage
i go coldsnap
it happens so fast
these days
i turn on
i turn off.
damage like weather
sudden and violent
or the lazy and poisonous opposite.
i jump ship
i drag close
i am done
i am not
i am over
an invisible anchor.
i carry the weight
of the fear
of your sins
i have never felt this before
how human we all are.
August 2, 2010
The creek
i have cried so much.i have cried in the dark
i have cried myself to sleep
i cried in silence
i have cried in the shower
i have cried on the floor
i cried pumping gas
i cried laughing. unraveling
i cried until my face was numb
i have cried at red lights
i have cried all night
i cried swimming
i cried a river in the river
i cried a creek
i cried on stage
kissing, i cried. he didn't know
how much i cried.
i cried for nothing.
"Try to be humble in your acceptance of someone else's frailties or trials and tribulations. There is much about you that others don't understand, and yet they have faith in you anyway."
....a little bit of my horoscope today.
so true! and such a great reminder for me. i hope i can offer others the same empathy, kindness and faith that others offer me.
July 27, 2010
Because i am needy
i will need a few things from you...Call me by my name.
Listen to my stories sometimes.. even though they annoy you sometimes.
Tell me your truth
not the truth i want to hear
but the truth you are living.
Let me explain something if i know more about it than you.
Kiss me a lot.
If you need more kisses please tell me.. with your lips..
Ask me to do things for you. i need to be reminded.
Understand that i'm terrified. of almost everything. until i am brave.
and then i am very very brave.
Play me ragtime on the piano.
Love me until you don't.
don't be angry when i say things like, "love me until you don't."
Wear the red pants.
Tell me your dreams even when i'm tired.
Come over tonight and hold my hand on the couch.
July 26, 2010
July 22, 2010
July 19, 2010
July 18, 2010
i am learning about myself
every day
still
i wake up doped on dreams
mascara smudged into the lines around my eyes
black hooded sweatshirt pulled up over my mothers haircut
squinting for any sight at all
chanting like a drunkard
coffee coffee coffee
moving towards the light
and the life
eager to learn how to live right
today
eager to do the next right thing
today
today today today
sheer drops on either side
fear stretching slim in front of me and falling for three miles
yet i stand up straight here
so very much alive.
when i think of mad love
i will always think of you
a stitch in my lop side
a tug at my deep chest
baby i really tried.
mine is a plain to see heart
mine is a scaredy cat
mine is a surprise party
all the time.
July 15, 2010
July 14, 2010
July 12, 2010
July 10, 2010
July 9, 2010
what is real anymore?
silence
black eyeliner i can't throw out
a jewel hued dress.. balled up in a plastic tub
under t-shirts i took for souvenirs
from concerts i played. in some other lifetime.
was that real?
my 45's.
The Beatles, The BeeGees,
Bette Midler,
Chicken Fat.
my mother exercised to that one in her thirties.
singing along
singing about her 'chicken fat'
i sucked my thumb from my fathers nubby chair.
quiet and pleased. as my mother lay on her back
with her legs in the air.. doing the bicycle.
was that really me?
what is real anymore?
when you love something so much that you vow
to never betray it.
a horse i groomed relentlessly.. sharing apples with him,
bite for bite. horse slobber mixed into my chapstick.
the happiest i have ever been.
that was real.
and what were we my dear?
with no memories to recall
with no moments to rely on for evidence
like smelling salts is the absolute lack
of resonance.
but a feeling i trusted and followed
only to find nothing.
nothing was real.
July 7, 2010
July 6, 2010
i'm deaf
can you hear me >
i'm hard to listen to
when i'm hollering.
when i'm protesting.
baby
light the virgin de gaudalupe
drive slow.
pass the mural of Cesar Chavez
stop at the seven bridges...
there is a lake on fire
with your image outlined in flames
one disastrous smile
is still rippling
around me
such fucking beauty.
July 2, 2010
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