December 21, 2011

goodbye is a language of it's own
it speaks in an absence
it puts tears on repeat
goodbye writes a name
on everything.
goodbye honks
when the light turns green
goodbye is startling
goodbye is anorexic
goodbye is starving.
goodbye speaks for itself
it lays you down
keeping you up
it dreams for you
while you wrestle with
unopened promises.
goodbye tells the same story
again to the same
friendly person
and goodbye is determined
to solve the problem
but it is as blind as you are deaf
to this silence
that goodbye left.

December 2, 2011

all my words are birds
blocked in a headlock.
snapped awake
like an alarm clock.
every curse
to demonstrate
i act
like an acrobat
and flip the switch
all my limbs intact.
the type shakes
but you don't react,

that is that.

November 24, 2011

bay hound,
hound bay.
to the

rattling weather.
a simple blue sky
more beautiful then you
or them or i...
the rafters come lower.
the town is over dressed
in out of towners
and one lone dog
cries to the loners.

November 22, 2011

alone at Ihop
numb stare of eyes
the blue of pavement, flecked
maple syrup on my elbows
elbows on the table
conversations like birds
snickering around me
"he was the one with the swollen throat... throat cancer i think.. smoking."
that's an elderly man. sing songy.
"my defects... well i haven't gotten there yet."
a young man. pride.

and then i hide my phone in my lap and play tetris
i pretend to be texting
a black haired boy across the aisle is snapping away at his video game.
not hiding. greasy haired. all in black. not hiding.
i contemplate bulimia.
but i'm already attached to my swelling belly.

i give up.
i twitch and tick. I mind less and less.
why does age take such caring, such pretense away?
screw it, i think. i'm interesting to watch.
i'm hiding and i fit in,
i fit into my hiding place.

November 19, 2011

there are too many poems in my heart
they waste my words on you
they make me alone
sugarless tracks in the snow
dragging my eyes
across bright burning cold.

i saw what i wanted to see
until the truth saw me.

October 25, 2011

a wave of stars
smashed up against your word
trash talk
dreams i can't remember anymore.

we were so long ago.
french kissing in the car
our eyes met on a thin line of lightning
our bodies jagged electricity
like how one travels down a mountain.

you are the son of your own destiny
and i am something else,


October 18, 2011

Hurricane katrina
jesus loves whores
so you are forgiven by someone.

don't be flattered,
your sins are not original.
god did not put a third step between your two step
and my love. on blue and broken feet.
green fields you plowed through,
were picture windows blown out.
lives are so tender! i shout,
you broke the glass animal that was my heart.

smug bitch,
where are your words of wisdom now?
i divorce your quiet
with my own confessions
on this unsigned document
of the truth.

my superpower is love.

September 28, 2011

i have cramps
a couple of days ago the sky was a blue color i have never seen before.
it was an unrecognizable sky
i snapped a paranormal photograph with my eyes.
my heart is driving to the desert
i sigh
i curl into the italian
a short cry
and for dreams are his

September 25, 2011

i am not enough
he is not enough
there is never enough
enough is enough is enough is enough (song i danced to in the fifth grade in my bedroom covered in horse ribbons).
enough already
enough said
The problem with a heart
is that it doesn't have a brain.
I think a heart has limits.
i don't want it to..
 but i think it does.
when is enough enough?
when is it not enough?
when does love say no!
...stop and let go.
i don't fucking know!

September 9, 2011

dreamt my dad was off-roading in a cadillac, jumping it into an unswimmable river on the east side.  i had a horse in a hospital elevator.  the horse got nervous when i did.  he quivered and tensed..

i drove in circles.
narcotic romantic
my loves crashed
into me trying to swerve

i don't learn
and neither do they.

September 2, 2011

August 24, 2011

not often enough
are we speaking
in reference to afterlife
to the understanding
of our limits on legs
the monster undertow
of tomorrow
is like a camouflaged submarine
barely crawling.
a magnet below us

we laugh and scream
and finger cars
that cut us off
and slow our progress
to another meaningless
meeting of details,
sketches of something
we plan to goddamn make happen.

and every breath taken for granted
until this magic carpet is pulled out from under us
and we awake to the simple ending
ahead of all of us.

July 25, 2011

i want skinnier legs.
i am all human.
i am perfect.
i hate myself.
i thank God for what i have.
i am full of opposites.
i am in the trenches and high as a kite.
and low drowning in the river
and skating on fragile ice.
i am nothing
and if not everything
sigh. i want skinnier legs.

July 23, 2011

we ran in tight circles
that stretched into serpentines,
ribbon candy and sparrows.

we parked behind the Toys R Us
in the air conditioned car.
we split a sandwich
and put our sunglasses on the dash.

we watched the greenbelt do the wave,
the clouds demonstrating their talent.
the trees like people in stadium seats
a sweep of shadow crossing the wooded valley
leaving behind a gulley
flush with light.

sometimes romance
is a surprise exhibition from clouds.

July 8, 2011

i haven't blogged in awhile. i'm busy. certainly not less to say.. but i've been putting it into songs rather than poetry. also i have no internet at my apartment right now. which is awesome! which sucks!

i'm working at the coffee shop again. i am a grateful barista. the money is good, the customers are beautiful and i drink coffee all day. it is a very good situation.

the band is playing lots of shows and we are getting better and better. i love those guys. they have given me my heart back. every show we do i feel happier and happier. it is like life has been breathed back in me.

i am waking up with songs in my mouth. there is a marching band on a loop through me.. making circles of my thoughts.. making stories of my circles.. making songs from scratch.

June 19, 2011

Dance hall
the stars were widespread
dappled dark horse
sky. texas night.
black heart
trucks parked
outside the dance hall
below the whore house.
no one died here though
i can feel it
the lack of ghosts.

something is missing.
it's saturday night
and the kids are all dancing
like ponies
in circles
around and around the ring.

and i stand
judge and observer
audience member
against a post
my failing back out.
a slow and quiet grieving.

June 10, 2011

i grew a little this week.

i found some really scary weakness in myself and then i discovered the strength that has kept that weakness from destroying me all along.

i saw beautiful things like when the moon looked like a dirty smile and when i witnessed my dog seeing an old friend and expressing her content for that reunion. i saw myself begin to do the wrong thing and was able to stop myself before i did something stupid. and i also found myself taking care of myself at any cost.

i forgave some friends for being human and that gave me some forgiveness for myself. i sweat my ass off on stage. i felt pretty sometimes. i didn't care what people thought. i loved someone as hard as i could and he accepted my love. neat miracles happened! i cried over them. i shared myself with the possibility of rejection. i wasn't rejected.

i ate sour patch kids candies.

June 4, 2011

The authority of demons
i'm trying not to love him
but my scars are burning.
my heart so strong
is unhealing.
his demons are winning.
i begged him to fight for me
but his demons are winning.
mine are coming in a close second,
that which bears mentioning.

my scars are changing
my heart unbeating
i've gathered all the evidence
and his demons are winning.
this dark dance.
this hunter pace.
the sky blasts open
in a horse breaking race.
every house is leveled
we end at the beginning
again and again
his demons are winning.

May 15, 2011

my fingers ache with words i can't say.
the tremble is love
and deep loss
and you flying away.

you have seen me at my emptiest
now tuck me back into my blue jay nest.
the trees will grow up around me

goodbye is for suckers
and i'm getting used to this.

May 11, 2011

earth silence..
the machines are making all the noise.
the mustard sky keeps changing it's mind .
for over and over it went,
it went into ragtime.

these tics are a dance-off on my cheekbones.
regret like a loosening jawline.
wake up senorita
you are hook line and mission impossible.

keep telling me things.
a need to know is burgeoning
when so recently i knew everything
and now such nothing.
i think about this for five clicks
from the kitchen. no more thinking.
let's know nothing.

May 2, 2011

The fall
my body remembers how to fall.
at first it is a confusion
i am upside down or not
i spit to see.

but then the knowing
that full moment when i accept
that i am in fact dropping.

that i don't control the speed
that i don't control the stars
there are no decisions in a falling
just spinning. and waiting.
for the violence of a landing.

April 22, 2011

(i dreamed)
i painted his eyes
and his insides
it was an abstract.
when i awoke
my hair was in a tangle
my tongue in knots
my spine stuck.
the sheets were wet
with sweat
and salted tears.

i misunderstand
love way too deep
and run off.

i have to sit somewhere alone
and hold my own hands
to cup
the gravity of his face
and the tornado of mistakes
i will most likely
continue to make.

April 12, 2011

in a world full of beasts..
i love this beast most of all.
she brings me joy
when i can find none on my own.
she turns tears into laughter,
loss into gravity.
she is my truest heart..
my angel beast.

Open heart surgery
i am remembering the early 90's today. the streets of new york city. hand in hand with my future ex-husband. we have no idea do we? the beauty that awaits.. the devastation.. the miles of numbness.. the injuries.. the spells of joy. my legs fell fast asleep as the avenues stretched from harlem to the diamond district but he pulled me along. my heart like an engine that would not die.. i could have walked to maryland.

he was my boyfriend then. he was sleeping on his brother's floor uptown. i was sleeping in my childhood bedroom. i took the train into the city once a week to visit. nothing had happened yet. we were still going to be very famous. we were still going to travel and have adventures. we still held hands everywhere.. we had no life together.. we had no money yet.. no house.. no favorite television shows.. no private jokes.. no mutual friends.. no bed.. no christmas decorations.. no nightly candlelit dinners.. no little dog to love like the baby i couldn't have.. no change.. no disappointment in each other.. no what ifs.. no fence that he took two years to paint.. no relapse for me to disappear into.. no in-laws to resent.. no big bank accounts.. no bankruptcy.. no record deal.. no lust.. no anti-depressants.. no sad silence.. no sex life to sabotage.. no backyard for me to spend a summer staring out the window at.. no baseball card collections.. no clothes i did not need.. no separate vacations.. no history. we were just a boyfriend and a girlfriend walking thirteen miles straight down the middle of new york city like the first impatient and clean cut into a wedding cake. and i am remembering it like i'm tracing the long thin line of an open heart surgery scar.

April 8, 2011

France, 1999
i closed my eyes.
more than a thousand yesterdays ago.
i swallowed sleeping pills and cried
a few poems.
i prayed with the canadian christian girl
who i was sharing the room with.
she told me god had a plan for me.
so i slept like a child.

in the morning
i stood on my train legs and walked to the window.
then sat shaky
looking out over the rooftops of Paris.
the roofs of Paris like beautiful rotting birthday cake.

March 25, 2011

i sink back
into the tank
where all heart is delivered.
wounds deepen
my voice becomes hoarse
like a child's voice
from crying out.

i found a diving board in you
a form of pain relief
dumb luck
siting the page you arrived on
shirtless and kissing.

i've taken more than my share
but in the end time will even the wage
nothing is unfair
or everything is unfair. it's the same.
it's death then life then death then life
born into reborn and buried for that birth.
will my life be this grid of no i don't
but in that square i did
such drunken measurements
are on the high side again.
where is God when you are making these decisions kid?
where is God this morning?

simple ghosts
nail beds, tapping
shoulder, tongue, lips
the notes of a prayer

i can say anything
and everything here.
this dream is lush.

March 21, 2011

i was brave enough to say i do
and brave enough to say
i can't anymore.

March 8, 2011

Was just thinking
laws of the universe are one size fits all. i thought this as i ripped the foil lid off of a fresh cream topped coffee flavored yogurt. a small corner of the foil remained and as i clumsily peeled it off it occurred to me that, "if i drop it, i still have two fresh cups left but in three days i will be thinking about this cup and how had i just been more careful i would have a delicious cup of yogurt waiting in my refrigerator for me." and then i thought about money and how it is the same way.. that when wasted or simply lost one always looks back and misses it when it is gone. and in a very different way then when you are just broke and have spent it all. waste is a powerful thing. your bones know it.

March 6, 2011

i had a good hard cry this morning watching a You Tube video of soldiers coming home and surprising their children. the faces of their deep love broke my heart open. one of those children was a golden retriever that bolted out the front door with absolute glee towards his poppa. it was beautiful. love is beautiful. love that is no choice of your own. love that owns you. love that you belong to. love that chose you. that is true love. and you are already in it.

March 1, 2011

Thoughts running through my brain
*i'm not sure i believe in the concept of Karma.
*will's idea of his being an asshole is so far from being an asshole that i can only smile and say thank you God.
*the best word in the world is... become. becoming.
*i'm in a band i'm in a band i'm in a band... (this never gets old for me or less cool)
*ssooo tiReed

February 26, 2011

dear morning. i am pretty happy. drinking instant coffee in my artificially frozen one bedroom. so close to the green belt that i have only been to once. my dog is snoring in her leopard snuggie against me and music videos are on the tube. yesterday i got the amazing news that the boys in Liars & Saints all want me in the band. i said, "yesssssss" because i love those sweet men and they are everyone of them uber talented and wonderful and i have always admired each of them and now i get to write and play songs with them. i'm a lucky girl. i'm a liar and a saint! .sincerely

February 25, 2011

i am obsessed with this Reckoner Dress by Secret Squirrel.
the I'm Not Like Them collection = the loveliest chill.
it makes me want to picnic in a field of paper flowers..
on a cold day.. my winter white legs goosebumping..


February 23, 2011

loss reshapes us
it cuts a new path through the high grass.
i am running down it.
crushing under my feet
accidental wine making
thorns catching on my sleeves
ghosts reminding me
that i am still so fleshy
a human of holes
and thinning bones.

but still
some high and holy mystery
fuels me.

February 20, 2011

February 12, 2011

The damage
i stayed loyal to a liar.
he left an ugly stain
like spreading ink
and black water.
all the pretty
and fancy lilies.

a phantom limb,
the ache comes out of nowhere.
and i run away
my heart a sick liver.
a stunned
and bleeding baby
a swollen lip
a fever.

my old flame
and my palms on the burner.
that long and lost year
in his corner.

February 6, 2011

The promise
i have learned so many lessons.
they have come at me
like knives-
me the spinning wheel-a-girl.
with the closed eyes.
determined to be experienced
i held a shimmy grip as i climbed
the authority of the wind
pulling at me like a riptide
leaving pieces of my insides
that i wore on the outside
on the mountainside.
i made a bed of rocks
and ran back towards the shortcut
only to find a desert
dried and moonless.

one set of footprints
one year of thirst.

i have been thrown.
and drowned.
dragged lifeless to the shore
and forced back down
only to jump in
the shark rigged water
the dark ring.
i crawl home again
bruised and bleeding


but he is a gentle lesson.
a sweet reminder
that life is a kiss on the steps.
life is a constant beginning
it is unexpected innocence
it is.
that you can expect
you never would have believed it
if promised.
which it is.
i promise you. you are innocent.

January 30, 2011

life is so surprising and constantly wowing me. about ten years ago i remember thinking that all my choices had been made.. boy was i wrong. it seems funny and so very innocent now. as if at thirty i was who i would always be. i have been through many changes since then. musical, romantic, addiction, financial, career, creative... every deep level and each surface side of me becoming and unbecoming.. losing color and then turning into the bright spectrum, then fading to pastel only to become florescent. life is ugly. life is beautiful. it is God and love and horses and birds and weeping willows. it's apples and monkeys and pavement. it's an old set of keys and brand new winter coat. it's perfume and scars and cowboy boots. it's his dad's piano and the moon and broken hearts and burning embers. life is a scratched and warped record that you still try to play. it's the dance no one invited you to and a ruined surprise party. it's also a kiss and noodles and high heels and diving boards. it's a hangover, lemons, sunrise, music, a dented pickup truck. it's your memory and your day dreams. and your quiet hope. and my quiet hope.

January 24, 2011

there is a past we don't know about within us.
it haunts us.

the clocks are plucking birds from graves and shocking them to sing.
and it's just you and i
a good sunday cry
a tear. one drop. rolls from your eye
into mine
and i cry.

we don't always remember the beauty we miss
you called it homesick.
my homemade cure
was a hug and a kiss.
work, i wished.

there is a future we don't plan within us
it wakes us.

January 16, 2011

i tell stories... they improvise skits... fun!

January 2, 2011

my sheets have him tangled he is a sweet and low perfume from the next room. sweat and weed and sex and sleep he sounds like the timber of a birch tree. sad moon a sad moon a bird song calls it calls me from feathers
as i fall.

i heard guitars in heavenly stereo
up above
i leapt
and landed in love.

January 1, 2011

it was a difficult and beautiful year. my heart opened, closed and then opened again. there were times when i felt like i was never going to grow up. but i did..

i survived the heartbreak of my life. i did it with tears and friendship and bad poetry. i did it with an equal mix of grace and childishness.. i did the very best i could. i continue to process that loss but i wake up every morning in the absolute belief that everything i have been through is just as it's supposed to be. i think i will always miss that man and what we could have been but i know in my strong heart that it is or it isn't and i have to show up for what is and let go of what isn't.. some days i am at peace with that.

i lost my ambition. it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. i am living in my life today and not what i want to be next year. i am happy and content in a way that i have never experienced before. thank God!

i hurt someone. i am sorry. i learned how important it is to be careful with a man's heart. i learned that the fragility of others needs to be respected. but i also learned that in order to be my true self i have to make mistakes, face them and forgive myself. and i have..

i got a job. it solved 90% of my problems. i love taking care of myself financially. it turns out i am responsible and hard working. it also turns out that i like people... a wonderful surprise! my co-workers and customers have become a second family and they give me so much love and support. i love my Strange Brew.

i have become aware of how much more of my family and friends i need in my life. i don't reach out enough and i'm not sure why. but i'm looking into that and i will report back when i have a better explanation than, "i'm so busy."

i lost someone. someone i need. it was very much half my fault.. it was a snowball of damage.. i don't know if she is gone forever but i love her from over here. for now.

i made new friends.. they are funny and weird and moody and creative and loving and annoying and they like splenda and know my punchy side and write me poems and fly like sparrows and make fun of me and flirt with me and yell at me and love me! and they are the very best part of 2010.

2010 was about friends and family and growing up. it was about seeing myself more clearly than i have ever seen myself before. that i am as much a knucklehead as i am terrific. that i can love and respect my dark as well as my light. that i am the sun and the shadow. and that you are too. and so i have seen myself through loving others. truly. and for the first time.

thank you to my friends and family.. for knowing that i do the right and the wrong thing and for taking care of me through both. i resolve to be a better daughter, sister and friend in 2011. and to walk the dog more. and to remain a non-smoker. and to have more dance-offs.