January 30, 2011
life is so surprising and constantly wowing me. about ten years ago i remember thinking that all my choices had been made.. boy was i wrong. it seems funny and so very innocent now. as if at thirty i was who i would always be. i have been through many changes since then. musical, romantic, addiction, financial, career, creative... every deep level and each surface side of me becoming and unbecoming.. losing color and then turning into the bright spectrum, then fading to pastel only to become florescent. life is ugly. life is beautiful. it is God and love and horses and birds and weeping willows. it's apples and monkeys and pavement. it's an old set of keys and brand new winter coat. it's perfume and scars and cowboy boots. it's his dad's piano and the moon and broken hearts and burning embers. life is a scratched and warped record that you still try to play. it's the dance no one invited you to and a ruined surprise party. it's also a kiss and noodles and high heels and diving boards. it's a hangover, lemons, sunrise, music, a dented pickup truck. it's your memory and your day dreams. and your quiet hope. and my quiet hope.
January 24, 2011
there is a past we don't know about within us.
it haunts us.
the clocks are plucking birds from graves and shocking them to sing.
and it's just you and i
a good sunday cry
a tear. one drop. rolls from your eye
and i cry.
we don't always remember the beauty we miss
you called it homesick.
my homemade cure
was a hug and a kiss.
work, i wished.
there is a future we don't plan within us
it wakes us.
January 16, 2011
January 2, 2011
my sheets have him tangled he is a sweet and low perfume from the next room. sweat and weed and sex and sleep he sounds like the timber of a birch tree. sad moon a sad moon a bird song calls it calls me from feathers
as i fall.
i heard guitars in heavenly stereo
and landed in love.
January 1, 2011
it was a difficult and beautiful year. my heart opened, closed and then opened again. there were times when i felt like i was never going to grow up. but i did..
i survived the heartbreak of my life. i did it with tears and friendship and bad poetry. i did it with an equal mix of grace and childishness.. i did the very best i could. i continue to process that loss but i wake up every morning in the absolute belief that everything i have been through is just as it's supposed to be. i think i will always miss that man and what we could have been but i know in my strong heart that it is or it isn't and i have to show up for what is and let go of what isn't.. some days i am at peace with that.
i lost my ambition. it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. i am living in my life today and not what i want to be next year. i am happy and content in a way that i have never experienced before. thank God!
i hurt someone. i am sorry. i learned how important it is to be careful with a man's heart. i learned that the fragility of others needs to be respected. but i also learned that in order to be my true self i have to make mistakes, face them and forgive myself. and i have..
i got a job. it solved 90% of my problems. i love taking care of myself financially. it turns out i am responsible and hard working. it also turns out that i like people... a wonderful surprise! my co-workers and customers have become a second family and they give me so much love and support. i love my Strange Brew.
i have become aware of how much more of my family and friends i need in my life. i don't reach out enough and i'm not sure why. but i'm looking into that and i will report back when i have a better explanation than, "i'm so busy."
i lost someone. someone i need. it was very much half my fault.. it was a snowball of damage.. i don't know if she is gone forever but i love her from over here. for now.
i made new friends.. they are funny and weird and moody and creative and loving and annoying and they like splenda and know my punchy side and write me poems and fly like sparrows and make fun of me and flirt with me and yell at me and love me! and they are the very best part of 2010.
2010 was about friends and family and growing up. it was about seeing myself more clearly than i have ever seen myself before. that i am as much a knucklehead as i am terrific. that i can love and respect my dark as well as my light. that i am the sun and the shadow. and that you are too. and so i have seen myself through loving others. truly. and for the first time.
thank you to my friends and family.. for knowing that i do the right and the wrong thing and for taking care of me through both. i resolve to be a better daughter, sister and friend in 2011. and to walk the dog more. and to remain a non-smoker. and to have more dance-offs.