July 27, 2010

Because i am needy
i will need a few things from you...

Call me by my name.
Listen to my stories sometimes.. even though they annoy you sometimes.
Tell me your truth
not the truth i want to hear
but the truth you are living.
Let me explain something if i know more about it than you.

Kiss me a lot.
If you need more kisses please tell me.. with your lips..
Ask me to do things for you.  i need to be reminded.

Understand that i'm terrified.  of almost everything.  until i am brave.
and then i am very very brave.
Play me ragtime on the piano.

Love me until you don't.

don't be angry when i say things like, "love me until you don't."

Wear the red pants.
Tell me your dreams even when i'm tired.  
Come over tonight and hold my hand on the couch.


los angeles, 
train yards.

July 26, 2010

who am i anymore
cherry juice dripping river down my fingers.
drying dark blue.  lips. 

black coffee grounds under my nails
too tired to pick up my guitar
i care.
i still care.

my ambition like a ghost
peripheral harmony
disarming me
get the fuck away from me.

i dream
and i'm angry

July 25, 2010

happiness seemed to come out of nowhere
but i think it was in me all along.

July 19, 2010

i can be okay
even without answers
with never knowing
nor understanding

i can take this brand new heart
and let it be loved again.
even though there 
is another one.

my last heart
a dying song.

July 18, 2010

i am learning about myself
every day
i wake up doped on dreams
mascara smudged into the lines around my eyes
black hooded sweatshirt pulled up over my mothers haircut
squinting for any sight at all
chanting like a drunkard
coffee coffee coffee
moving towards the light
and the life
eager to learn how to live right 
eager to do the next right thing 

today today today

is this the groundlessness they speak of?
sheer drops on either side
fear stretching slim in front of me and falling for three miles
yet i stand up straight here
so very much alive.

when i think of mad love
i will always think of you
a stitch in my lop side
a tug at my deep chest
baby i really tried.

mine is a plain to see heart
mine is a scaredy cat
mine is a surprise party
all the time.

July 15, 2010

The Raising
there are no babies coming
my belly has no baby room
but a dirt house is being built
a new home on flattened land
old property
raked earth
mud caked wall i'm so tired
my eyes are closing 
i watch all my friends become mothers
just set up shop in my heart and i'll be happy

July 14, 2010

i didn't even mean that.  at the time i did, yes, but now i feel different. 
if only i could write something that i meant for longer than it took to write it.  

July 12, 2010

i saw you in the dense light of my dreams
last night.
you were running away from me.
i was crying.
sometimes it is not what we are ready for
but what we are capable of.

my truth was always true.

last night 
i saw you in the dense light of my dreams.
you were running away.
i was crying.

July 10, 2010

prairie dog
my lips are beginning to believe again.
the pieces of the woman that i was
find their way back to each other
as we kiss. 
as you memorize my face
with your curious fingertips
shadow earthquakes 
are my harrowing tic's.
you're touch is medicine 
and i am healing 
under it.

July 9, 2010

what is real anymore?

black eyeliner i can't throw out
a jewel hued dress.. balled up in a plastic tub 
under t-shirts i took for souvenirs 
from concerts i played.  in some other lifetime.
was that real?

my 45's.
The Beatles, The BeeGees, 
Bette Midler,
Chicken Fat.
my mother exercised to that one in her thirties.
singing along 
singing about her 'chicken fat'
i sucked my thumb from my fathers nubby chair.
quiet and pleased.  as my mother lay on her back 
with her legs in the air.. doing the bicycle.
was that really me?

what is real anymore?
when you love something so much that you vow
to never betray it. 
a horse i groomed relentlessly.. sharing apples with him,
bite for bite.  horse slobber mixed into my chapstick.
the happiest i have ever been.
that was real. 

and what were we my dear? 
with no memories to recall
with no moments to rely on for evidence 
like smelling salts is the absolute lack
of resonance.
but a feeling i trusted and followed
only to find nothing.
nothing was real.

July 7, 2010

Two birds
a bluebird
a blackbird
one on each shoulder

both birds sing 
one sweet, one dark
birds nesting in my heart
they won't fly.

the daybreak
the heartache
and just below them both
the floodgates.

both birds sing
one sweet, one dark
birds nesting in my heart
they won't fly....

July 6, 2010

i'm deaf
can you hear me >
i'm hard to listen to
when i'm hollering. 
when i'm protesting.

light the virgin de gaudalupe
drive slow.
pass the mural of Cesar Chavez
stop at the seven bridges...
there is a lake on fire
with your image outlined in flames
one disastrous smile 
is still rippling 
around me
such fucking beauty.

July 2, 2010

The 5th
in a few days this will pass
i keep telling myself that.

another holiday will fade
paper firecrackers 
and birthday cake
and the same stupid wish
that i always make
as i lead the pack 
in my personal pity parade.

it will pass.
i know that.

my neighbors in the apartment across from me are drinking beer and blasting southern rock while shooting bb guns off their front porch.  i live in texas.  

i have the strongest emotion
but no words for it 
just the feeling of you.

a loneliness.

ocean eye.