September 27, 2010

if bracing yourself
softened the smash,
i would tell you to do that.
but you have to dive into the crash.

September 25, 2010

has the moon been full for a month?
have i gotten over anything ever?
are these questions or statements?

i am not over anything. never.
i declare my declarations
i'm unprepared to offer
anymore information
but i do
do i?
i do
i do
i did and i will
i can and i still...

September 24, 2010

Wedding Cake
i walked to you
on younger legs
long for short
my heart- hoped for everyone.
i was cream
light for heavy
i spilled for anyone

but spoiled

and oh october eyes
attached and disfigured
melting at the hip
the years like one tornado
this connection was beyond
us and always
just as it was broken
your tears were
my body of water
and i was yours.
wedding cake.

September 23, 2010

have you ever been on an airplane in a half nap.. all sleepy and stupid, staring blankly at the back of the seat in front of you and you might just as well be in a waiting room at the dentist rather than one of 200 bodies smashed into this noisy jet when suddenly you remember that you are actually just a one hundred pound very breakable human, being flown through the clouds at hundreds of miles an hour, in a pretty heavy metal box that only stays up based on a limited amount of fuel that keeps ... shit i have no idea how it stays up ...
here! the Physics Factbook says it better...

All four models uses the jet engine which operates on the principle of Newton's third law of motion, which states that for every action, there is an opposite but equal reaction. A jet sucks air into the front, squeezes the air by pulling it through a series of spinning compressors, mixes it with fuel, and ignites the fuel, which then explodes rearward with great force out through the exhaust nozzle. This great rearward force is balanced with an equal force that pushes the jet engine, and the airplane attached to it, forward. Thrust is the force that propels an airplane forward through the air. It is provided by the airplane's propulsion system in this case by a jet engine.

that's how i feel right now. like i just realized how fast we're going. and how high up we are.

we are so difficult
you and i.
the boy and girl of us
all mixed up.
i get mad and old
i try to run
your hand holds mine
but faithfully
loyalty being everything to me.
and one of your
distinguishing qualities.
but who is where
is what is how?
and when are you coming over?
i want you here now

September 21, 2010

today was one of those days that i could not manage much more than throwing one blind foot in front of the other. i bumped into things. i said yes when i meant no. i forgot whole sentences just two seconds after speaking them. i cried when i pulled back the plastic curtain after a steamy shower and cold air conditioning pulled the warm envelope from my naked body. everything changes like that. you wake up sleeping. you fall asleep awake. there is no safe place between the states. no period to prepare you. no little room to rest.. a soft bench and a soft drink. there's just insomnia and your deep dreams. light and dark. dawn is a trick.

September 19, 2010

i started to heal the moment i realized i was lost.

i woke up. i opened my eyes and looked around. i had no idea where i was. i was hungry. and wet. my back was broken. my shoes were useless, my clothes too heavy. i spun in slow circles, surveying the vast expanse of darkness that surrounded me until i saw what i thought might be a light. it was very far away but looked possible to get to.. maybe it was a house, i thought. maybe they had food they would share, a bed, a shower. i felt a survival instinct like i'd never felt before. it flooded my whole being and i began to move forward. at first i moved very slowly. and backwards. i hit many things because i refused to turn ahead. i had convinced myself that if i lost track of where i had been i would never know where i was going, that i would never be able to get back there. so i moved forward at the slowest pace and kept my eyes steadfast on what was behind me. only briefly turning to make sure that i was still headed towards the faded and far off light.

i didn't seem to be on a path. i tripped over rocks and slipped into ditches. once, i even tumbled and fell to the ground so hard that i wasn't sure if i could continue. but i got up, injured. it wasn't long before i began to fear that the light would not be there when i turned around so i took to facing forward in the direction that i was actually moving, for at least a little bit. i traded off this way for awhile, calming myself with the security of seeing where i had been and also knowing where i was going. the light in front of me seemed to be getting closer. it was definitely getting brighter. a moon-like yellow. i became attached to that light and my backwards walks became shorter and shorter as i missed that sweet and calming light when i couldn't see it. it became easier to not look back and a couple of times when i turned i could just barely see where i had been. i paniced at first but then my need to get to the light turned me back around.

soon, where i had been was further away then the light ahead. and that light was getting close enough to be lighting the path ahead of me. what had once been rocky and black and blind.. shadows, was now a muted morning.. the very slight beginnings of dawn. and that dawn was a gentle warmth. my clothes were drying and softening and i could see almost clearly where i was going. it was an actual wide and marked path.. there were arrows and signs and even rest stops. wonderful places i could stop for a night or two and rest as i stayed on this path that was leading me to my bright destination.

I am writing this from one of those rest stops. they have taken me in for the night. or for however long i need to stay. all of the windows in this small room face the direction i have been traveling towards. light floods in through them letting me know that it is still there and that everything is exactly as it should be.

and i have begun to trust the light.

September 18, 2010

just got Mary Robinson's book of photographs in the mail.  her photography touches me...  it is haunting and lovely and has a stillness that is moving.  and she's only 17! 
i admire this young woman.


her blog:

September 16, 2010

Make believe stars
i remember when you were human
a song
i sung often.
when you were possibility
you arrived
in the shape of a gift
and introduced yourself to me.
and we kissed.

now i kiss
monkey wrenches
where your lips would be.

make believe stars
are out in the trash
behind a trashed painting.
and the cheap smell
of cheap leather,
is this poor condition.
hate like none other
none. ever.
blind pain.
how you made me suffer
a pony pendulum
between my breasts
it was never yours
never. ever.

ponies are mine.

September 15, 2010

Grown ups are strangers i know
the scratch that tells you how tall you were
when the kitchen was clean and smelled like pot roast
when squeezed grapefruit halves are at the top of the full garbage
and papa's shorts are drying in a cool twilight
above the stone bird bath.
and my grandmother is putting the candy where we can reach it
and i can't decide what to play with..
the orange teddy bear we all share
or the keys that i imagine will unlock a secret room.
when i hear the name josephine 
when i hear the name ann
when i hear the name dennis
and margaret

grown ups are strangers i know

September 12, 2010

lying is psychological abuse. it robs you of a security that we all deserve. it steals your basic right to make decisions based on the simple truth. when a person lies to you consistently, it changes who you are.. it kills the innocent trust in yourself that we are all born with. and, of course, if you can't trust yourself how can you ever trust another?

over the last year and a half i have learned more about lying than i ever could have planned on. and the wreckage has been extremely difficult to dig through. but i am beginning to trust others again and more importantly i am learning to trust my own gut. again.

September 11, 2010

bright sun is filling up saturday.
the house is messy and muddy.
it rained all week. 
  you rode here on your new bike 
  and tracked mud through the house.
it made me so happy.

up to something. obviously.
no good.

September 10, 2010

my heart does not recognize you anymore.

is this being over it?

September 9, 2010

he says,
"those shoes make me
want to marry you."

he's a keeper.

September 6, 2010

something about tonight was perfect.  it started with the unicorn twilight raspberry sherbet sky.  it was ridiculous.  then Wilco's
smile all the time came on the car stereo.  that's the moment i realized that something about tonight was perfect.  
i was driving east on fifth st. and trying to take a picture of the dropping pink horizon's reflection in my Frost building.  Half of it was the color of melted rhubarb and the other half was a gothic steel grey.  that's like my personality, i thought.  i was giggling as i snapped the photograph while rolling a reckless five miles an hour towards the stopped suburban just ahead of me at a red light.  i really wanted that picture.  but the picture i didn't get was even better.  
sometimes the thing that fits in the place we were trying to squeeze the thing that we didn't get can be so freaking beautiful. 

latte art.  abstract.

September 2, 2010

his eyes are a challenge
not to look at
they are film and stars
they switch
they flip me out
dark blue eyes. 
bitten.  touched.  blackened.
and they hold me.  
both eyes are honest
they get angry
they cry
they are a moon
eclipsed sometimes
by dark blue sky.

they also have the most beautiful smile.