my future has become my past.

i sing my 

parachutes

Still

there are things i will never understand

and i have stopped trying.

i drove to the furthest bridge i could find

and pushed those heavy questions

like boulders, grey and weighted,

into the deep water.  

now i stand at the cold river's edge 

and i wonder... 

i am not so crazy

i am just a wild animal

my lawless heart beats like a wrecking ball

it blows up in flames spontaneously

and then just as quickly it retreats. 

quietly. 

i am very strong.

i am very weak.

you can only be both!

if you are only one.. 

you are incomplete.

The wolf

there must be a full moon 

my heart has become a wolf

it eats me alive

looking for you.

to play with then kill

to suck life blood

to softly slip it's claws into

oh the pretty face that haunts me

the midnight year of tears 

on my bedroom floor

rocking like your child.

my dirty carpet soaked in 

worthless tears.

love abandoned for lust

beauty mistaken for truth

risk mistaken for hope.

you tasted eternal.

Furniture

i don't know why 

i care so much

blow the dust off my fingers

lick the stamp mail the letters.

love is

the point of no return

just like that we're bound for life

star crossed on a starless night.

 

we belong in a pipe dream

in a paint box

we belong somewhere no sun 

will ever bleach us

after all these years

we're still worth something

like fine, fine furniture.

i don't know how

but i remember it all

like it was yesterday

like it was tomorrow.

you try 

harder than anyone i know

you left and i left too

back then

i didn't know how to hurt you.

we belong in a window

in a shoe box

we belong somewhere

no one can ever use us

do you know you are 

still good underneath?

like fine, fine furniture.

i pray a little harder tonight

for the people that i love tonight

they're falling apart slowly

covered around me.

we belong in a frame 

in a cigar box

we belong somewhere 

no one can ever sell us

rest your heart i am still standing here..

we belong in a hope chest

in a locket

we belong somewhere 

no one will ever lose it.

after all these years

you still belong to me

like fine, fine furniture...

copyright 1999

kacyCrowley

Furniture

(from the "Anywhere But Here" soundtrack)

One note

the portrait is aching

the moon is half empty

a star is trembling streaking shooting 

through your hair.

i lose you in God

i listen and hear voices

this world is a simmering pot.

such a simmering pot.

i can't tell you anything anymore

i can't sing or fall apart

the terrible two's

of a threesome 

a long shot a hot bed

that was a close call

and i still feel it between my legs

the wheel spinning

the knife throwing

___________________________________

i found the scapular behind his knee

he was kneeling so close to me 

i caught the slightest sense of it

my arrow pounced my back broke

my heart opened again

i am growing

and talking to my dead grandmother

who comes to me as a flower

a simple and potent gardenia  

one note.

when i was fifteen i put an ad in the newspaper for musicians.  i desperately wanted to have my own band.  i auditioned a forty year old drummer named Joe Hatt in my bedroom.  i didn't think he was right for the gig.  i had balls.

God given

we are man made

of lovely smiles

and steel plates

of resentment 

and melted thread

of screws 

and pencil lead.

we are man made

of method and madness

on crutches and bias

the light trys to get in

while the bone is still setting.

everything is bleeding 

and pumping inside of me 

at once alive and breathing for me

passed down 

and built in.

however shifty 

and broken.

your donated heart (previously opened)

keeps working.

it's man that is God given.

Sky

twilight is a soft stutter 

my lips are slightly ajar

there is probably at least half a moon 

waiting for us.

the space is in the sky. 

guilty

it does the same thing

night after night

what with its stars

what with its planets

what with its shifting sheet of darkness

arms and lights are thrown up

and we're just little

under it

More things i trust

experience

the g chord

change 

coffee

fire

kissing

i trust hunger

i trust my sister

i trust my conscience 

hooves

candy

my own tears

pencils

God

a back tickle

my intuition

sleep

i will never be a nonchalant girl

summer

squint

Trust is the word

i have this strong feeling

an earth inside my belly.

the gravity

of my well trained imagination.

and i briefly unravel 

like running from firecrackers

in a contest for sadness.

then i remember myself...

my strength. my lips. my beast of a heart. my loyalty. my steel spine. my huge crazy love. 

i remember God. 

and how words are not actions

and thoughts are not truth

and how answers are not solutions

and how i respond to the simplest of things.

i trust kisses.

i trust my hand being held.

i trust a ride to the post office.

i trust a heart beating close to my ear.

i trust laughter in another room.

i trust being pulled closer.

but words are pretty.

every night i dream of the barn. 

My address

dear you

dear me

dear all apology

dear fuck face

dear mystery

dear moments that i try to stay in

dear heaven

dear ashes

dear blind eye

dear cry baby cry

dear diamond ring

dear wedding

dear nervous breakdown

dear fight or flight

dear funeral procession

dear all souls day

dear sky

dear blue bird

dear blue eye

dear rearview mirror

dear horses and ponies

dear beauty

dear desert i refuse to see

dear midnight

dear moment

dear today

the worst part is the jasmine.

the heavy flower,

summer at it's darkest.

a requiem.

a long and low song that eventually quiets. 

the finite life of a trumpet.