What If?in the spring of 2007 i was asked to participate in an event called 20x2. it consisted of 20 artists who have two minutes to answer a given question in any form of art they choose. it could be dance, sculpture, song, squirrel races etc etc... you get it! we could answer the question in any way we saw fit. or unfit. my life at that time had fallen apart and the question we were asked, "what if?" was the same question i had been asking myself for years. the room was packed and quiet. this was my two minute piece.
i don't have any props or slides or even a guitar with me. tonight i bring you a report from the last month that i've spent examining the deceptively light and foolish question, "what if?"
I began my quest for answers with a personal study of sorts, asking myself all of my possible "what ifs," like...
what if i hadn't had a childhood cancer?
what if i'd gotten that pony?
what if i'd stayed in rehab all 28 prescribed days?
then i got a little carried away and lost the "what if" all together.
why am i so fucking miserable?
why can't i just admit that i'm unhappy?
who am i faking for?
why am i pretending to be the girl with the perfect marriage, the girl who loves her indie music status, the girl who's always laughing?
i'm living a lie.
i'm scared to be alone.
i'm scared that i'll never be able to take care of myself.
i'm scared that i'll get sick again and everyone will leave me.
and my final "what if"
what if i'm capable of living this lie for the rest of my life? and i know i am because i've done it successfully for years. until now! i can't bear to do it anymore. every day i feel less and less like the person i'm meant to be.
so here's the truth; i left my husband, i'm broke, i'm disfigured from cancer, i have a little tourettes and all of last year i was high on painkillers.
and i'm not fine. i'm fucked... so "what if" i am?