September 19, 2010

i started to heal the moment i realized i was lost.

i woke up. i opened my eyes and looked around. i had no idea where i was. i was hungry. and wet. my back was broken. my shoes were useless, my clothes too heavy. i spun in slow circles, surveying the vast expanse of darkness that surrounded me until i saw what i thought might be a light. it was very far away but looked possible to get to.. maybe it was a house, i thought. maybe they had food they would share, a bed, a shower. i felt a survival instinct like i'd never felt before. it flooded my whole being and i began to move forward. at first i moved very slowly. and backwards. i hit many things because i refused to turn ahead. i had convinced myself that if i lost track of where i had been i would never know where i was going, that i would never be able to get back there. so i moved forward at the slowest pace and kept my eyes steadfast on what was behind me. only briefly turning to make sure that i was still headed towards the faded and far off light.

i didn't seem to be on a path. i tripped over rocks and slipped into ditches. once, i even tumbled and fell to the ground so hard that i wasn't sure if i could continue. but i got up, injured. it wasn't long before i began to fear that the light would not be there when i turned around so i took to facing forward in the direction that i was actually moving, for at least a little bit. i traded off this way for awhile, calming myself with the security of seeing where i had been and also knowing where i was going. the light in front of me seemed to be getting closer. it was definitely getting brighter. a moon-like yellow. i became attached to that light and my backwards walks became shorter and shorter as i missed that sweet and calming light when i couldn't see it. it became easier to not look back and a couple of times when i turned i could just barely see where i had been. i paniced at first but then my need to get to the light turned me back around.

soon, where i had been was further away then the light ahead. and that light was getting close enough to be lighting the path ahead of me. what had once been rocky and black and blind.. shadows, was now a muted morning.. the very slight beginnings of dawn. and that dawn was a gentle warmth. my clothes were drying and softening and i could see almost clearly where i was going. it was an actual wide and marked path.. there were arrows and signs and even rest stops. wonderful places i could stop for a night or two and rest as i stayed on this path that was leading me to my bright destination.

I am writing this from one of those rest stops. they have taken me in for the night. or for however long i need to stay. all of the windows in this small room face the direction i have been traveling towards. light floods in through them letting me know that it is still there and that everything is exactly as it should be.

and i have begun to trust the light.

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