the first time my heart spoke to me
it said things about god.
i was a little child.
before that my heart mostly mumbled
i heard it through a swaddle
then later in a very old and ugly man's lap
that was before fear of things like elderly lips
and dried spit and the thin skin of the ground calling
to a human that the end is waiting.
back then i didn't know why i loved. just did.
or why i curled in the lap of death. just did. for a cuddle.
or why i wanted to feel wind on my bare chest.
after i became comfortable with the voice
it became my own.
and then i said a lot of terrible things
and then i sang a lot of pretty melodies
and then i told people i love dearly to go fuck themselves
and then i cried out loud
and very loud.
and then i laughed like in the movies. the wild girl.
and then i told stories. lies. jokes.
i told men i loved them. men i didn't love.
i told myself to be quiet. but out loud and everyone heard.
i gossiped. i whispered in class. i told the truth.
i said i was sorry. i said i was leaving.
i made promises. i read bedtime stories.
i shrieked. it was so scary. i moaned his name.
i asked for help.
i told myself i was beautiful. in a mirror. in Indiana.
i told him i love him. i love him.
i prayed. the voice of a child. the voice of god.