Biter

he hurts me.

and i attack.

scared roving mutt

pound puppy.  wounded.

hungry.

my little baby teeth

monster fangs to any piece 

of him   i can reach.

but i only hurt me.

he is stone 

apparently

stone and bone i think.

i'll always go off somewhere and get stronger.

that is what i do mother fucker.

and then i will love another.

so deeply and so much harder

and smarter.

Pockets

he says he loves me.

he says, "you can feel it in your bones."

but i don't.

i just feel alone.

with origami promises

in my little dog-eared hand.

The girls are on the town

i have changed so much.

but i have not changed at all.

my life is a 360 

every degree 

a drugged destiny

my memory 

is drinking already.

i have corners in corners

in every four walled room

i wander through.

and there's so much that i would have done

if i didn't always need to lie down

the girls are on the town

they are all leg and eyelashes

strength and lip

and i remember how my best friend 

piggy backed me down main street

to catch up. 

people used to stay behind 

or carry me

like i now carry 

that lovely memory.

on my back watching tv.

but i have all this love!

love like a letter

love like an animal

a mother.

love that fights for you

love that kicks you when you're down

then cries out in your pain

some random and worthless truth.

love like a shadow

following you

like a fire

racing the boundaries

burning down houses

i'm stomping the ashes in your boots.

i have all this love

all of this impatiently waiting for you

and while it waits 

it turns 

into a thousand different shapes

searching for the secret door 

that it will finally fit through

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2010

i have no idea anymore

i don't know things

who do i think i am

making all these plans

so now what.

surrender.

because i have no armor

because i have lost my way

and my warm coat along with it.

because sometimes exhaustion

beats you in the race

because some things are stronger than us.

because we don't know that when we take them on

and vow to fight.

but the fight is gone.

you are a beautiful weightin my chest. in my broken open beat skipping heart.you are the heavy questionthat i can't answerthe burning building that i refuse to abandonthe sailing shipthat i have anchored myself to.because i believe in things i can't seebecause i believe in the space between the words.because i dreamed this in a dream.  because there was a moment when i knewthat although every detail was wrong, the silence between us spoke of another truth.   

two virgins 

two bluebirds 

three broken angels

i tried to lose you in him.

you went nowhere.

it went nowhere.  

(but then)

we went nowhere.

go to sleep with make-up on

with my lovers hand a cold draft.

with the television my only one 

the one and only.

voices 

neighbors drunk footsteps. baileys. 

tripping the cat. up and down for a party.

still smell a boy on this pillow. 

too young for me.  too clean for me.

who turns down my advances.  my only one.

my one and only.

if you were here i would 

beg for your kiss. you have the one and only

the only kiss i would beg for. 

my only one.

What If?

in the spring of 2007 i was asked to participate in an event called 20x2.  it consisted of 20 artists who have two minutes to answer a given question in any form of art they choose.  it could be dance, sculpture, song, squirrel races etc etc...  you get it!  we could answer the question in any way we saw fit. or unfit. my life at that time had fallen apart and the question we were asked, "what if?" was the same question i had been asking myself for years.  the room was packed and quiet.  this was my two minute piece. 

i don't have any props or slides or even a guitar with me. tonight i bring you a report from the last month that i've spent examining the deceptively light and foolish question, "what if?"

I began my quest for answers with a personal study of sorts, asking myself all of my possible "what ifs," like...

what if i hadn't had a childhood cancer?

what if i'd gotten that pony?

what if i'd stayed in rehab all 28 prescribed days?

then i got a little carried away and lost the "what if" all together. 

why am i so fucking miserable? 

why can't i just admit that i'm unhappy? 

who am i faking for?

why am i pretending to be the girl with the perfect marriage, the girl who loves her indie music status, the girl who's always laughing? 

i'm living a lie.

i'm scared to be alone.

i'm scared that i'll never be able to take care of myself.

i'm scared that i'll get sick again and everyone will leave me.

and my final "what if"

what if i'm capable of living this lie for the rest of my life? and i know i am because i've done it successfully for years.  until now! i can't bear to do it anymore.  every day i feel less and less like the person i'm meant to be.

so here's the truth; i left my husband, i'm broke, i'm disfigured from cancer, i have a little tourettes and all of last year i was high on painkillers.  

and i'm not fine.  i'm fucked... so "what if" i am?

march 2007

inside out

sometimes i write a thing and i hate it.  it can be too true and i hate that anyone would read my ugly truth.  that you would see me inside out.  all my seams showing..  my tags in view.  my dirty underbelly. it gives me a twist.  in the gut you can so clearly see. i'm squirming in my obvious skin.  

today.  everything was everywhere and nowhere.  backwards and on its head.  i said i was sorry when i wasn't and i said i wasn't sorry when i was.  a suffering began.  i have put it off for too long because of hope.  hope kept my fists clenched to the edge. i hoped i wouldn't fall.  i hoped i could hang on.. a little longer. 

now.  i'm a beggar in the quiet of my prayers.  whispered plea's that i can have it back...  my fruitless tree.  god is petting my shoulders like a loving parent.  tears are crisscrossing down my folded hands, wetting my wrists, slipping to the crook of my elbow..  sweet pool, i think.  these tears.. the after thought of my pain.  because i lost you.  

expression.

the sharp silhouette of my shoulders 

like folded in wings 

i'm waiting to tell you

things with my body.

i'm holding them back

and in.

there were deaths today.

too many to tell,

it's nothing to tell really.

frozen lakes taking it's children

is that heaven we sing

in rows of angels,

seven five three

i don't want this to end.

love.

pure.

scoliosis

can you want yourself out of hopelessness?

can you want yourself out of love..

lovely and stunned?

can i run?

i can't run.  i can walk.  but very slowly and even then i am moving backwards in an S curve.

spine circles heart

and it hurts.

i don't think popcorn should be eaten alone.

it will make you feel very lonely.  if you reach into the bowl and there is not another hand reaching in and getting in your way then you will probably realize how alone you feel and then the popcorn will just bum you out.  

acceptance

tonight i felt a surge in me..  a loneliness..  a clinging to the plans i once had..  to the destination where i never arrived.   i was fourteen years old when i devised a grand divine plan for my life.  i made my adolescent deals with God and i never looked back.   and over the years this plan folded itself into what i believed was my fate.  but here's the thing..  fate isn't a plan.  it's a surprise...  it's the moment you realize that you are exactly where you're supposed to be and the last place you expected.  and for all the things you wanted so desperately, you got just what you need.  

i kinda wish i got what i wanted.

why do you love me?

when i am such a mess

when i am such a shit head

when i fight like a blind and starving dog

when i am so greedy

when i throw myself at you

when i don't shower for days

when i don't feed you

when i hate you

when i tear off your clothes

when i glue myself to your body

when i beat you

when i demand truth 

when i don't believe you

when i need you

when i don't even know why.

why do you love me?