(i dreamed)

i painted his eyes

and his insides

it was an abstract.

when i awoke

my hair was in a tangle

my tongue in knots

my spine stuck.

the sheets were wet

with sweat

and salted tears.

i misunderstand

(disassociate),

love way too deep

and run off.

i have to sit somewhere alone

and hold my own hands

to cup

the gravity of his face

and the tornado of mistakes

i will most likely

continue to make.

in a world full of beasts..

i love this beast most of all.

she brings me joy

when i can find none on my own.

she turns tears into laughter,

loss into gravity.

she is my truest heart..

my angel beast.

Open heart surgery

i am remembering the early 90's today. the streets of new york city. hand in hand with my future ex-husband. we have no idea do we? the beauty that awaits.. the devastation.. the miles of numbness.. the injuries.. the spells of joy. my legs fell fast asleep as the avenues stretched from harlem to the diamond district but he pulled me along. my heart like an engine that would not die.. i could have walked to maryland.

he was my boyfriend then. he was sleeping on his brother's floor uptown. i was sleeping in my childhood bedroom. i took the train into the city once a week to visit. nothing had happened yet. we were still going to be very famous. we were still going to travel and have adventures. we still held hands everywhere.. we had no life together.. we had no money yet.. no house.. no favorite television shows.. no private jokes.. no mutual friends.. no bed.. no christmas decorations.. no nightly candlelit dinners.. no little dog to love like the baby i couldn't have.. no change.. no disappointment in each other.. no what ifs.. no fence that he took two years to paint.. no relapse for me to disappear into.. no in-laws to resent.. no big bank accounts.. no bankruptcy.. no record deal.. no lust.. no anti-depressants.. no sad silence.. no sex life to sabotage.. no backyard for me to spend a summer staring out the window at.. no baseball card collections.. no clothes i did not need.. no separate vacations.. no history. we were just a boyfriend and a girlfriend walking thirteen miles straight down the middle of new york city like the first impatient and clean cut into a wedding cake. and i am remembering it like i'm tracing the long thin line of an open heart surgery scar.

France, 1999

i closed my eyes.

more than a thousand yesterdays ago.

i swallowed sleeping pills and cried

a few poems.

i prayed with the canadian christian girl

who i was sharing the room with.

she told me god had a plan for me.

so i slept like a child.

in the morning

i stood on my train legs and walked to the window.

then sat shaky

looking out over the rooftops of Paris.

the roofs of Paris like beautiful rotting birthday cake.

Lush

i sink back

into the tank

where all heart is delivered.

wounds deepen

my voice becomes hoarse

like a child's voice

from crying out.

i found a diving board in you

faith

a form of pain relief

dumb luck

siting the page you arrived on

shirtless and kissing.

i've taken more than my share

but in the end time will even the wage

nothing is unfair

or everything is unfair. it's the same.

it's death then life then death then life

born into reborn and buried for that birth.

will my life be this grid of no i don't

but in that square i did

such drunken measurements

are on the high side again.

where is God when you are making these decisions kid?

where is God this morning?

simple ghosts

nail beds, tapping

shoulder, tongue, lips

the notes of a prayer

i can say anything

and everything here.

this dream is lush.

i was brave enough to say i do

and brave enough to say

i can't anymore.

paperboats

liars & saints, sxsw 2011

Was just thinking

laws of the universe are one size fits all. i thought this as i ripped the foil lid off of a fresh cream topped coffee flavored yogurt. a small corner of the foil remained and as i clumsily peeled it off it occurred to me that, "if i drop it, i still have two fresh cups left but in three days i will be thinking about this cup and how had i just been more careful i would have a delicious cup of yogurt waiting in my refrigerator for me." and then i thought about money and how it is the same way.. that when wasted or simply lost one always looks back and misses it when it is gone. and in a very different way then when you are just broke and have spent it all. waste is a powerful thing. your bones know it.

i had a good hard cry this morning watching a You Tube video of soldiers coming home and surprising their children. the faces of their deep love broke my heart open. one of those children was a golden retriever that bolted out the front door with absolute glee towards his poppa. it was beautiful. love is beautiful. love that is no choice of your own. love that owns you. love that you belong to. love that chose you. that is true love. and you are already in it.

Thoughts running through my brain

*i'm not sure i believe in the concept of Karma.

*will's idea of his being an asshole is so far from being an asshole that i can only smile and say thank you God.

*the best word in the world is... become. becoming.

*Target.

*i'm in a band i'm in a band i'm in a band... (this never gets old for me or less cool)

*ssooo tiReed

dear morning. i am pretty happy. drinking instant coffee in my artificially frozen one bedroom. so close to the green belt that i have only been to once. my dog is snoring in her leopard snuggie against me and music videos are on the tube. yesterday i got the amazing news that the boys in Liars & Saints all want me in the band. i said, "yesssssss" because i love those sweet men and they are everyone of them uber talented and wonderful and i have always admired each of them and now i get to write and play songs with them. i'm a lucky girl. i'm a liar and a saint! .sincerely

i am obsessed with this Reckoner Dress by Secret Squirrel.

the I'm Not Like Them collection = the loveliest chill.

it makes me want to picnic in a field of paper flowers..

on a cold day.. my winter white legs goosebumping..

lookie...

http://secretsquirrellabel.com/collections/im-not-like-them-2/?image=25

Holy

loss reshapes us

it cuts a new path through the high grass.

i am running down it.

blackberries

crushing under my feet

accidental wine making

thorns catching on my sleeves

ghosts reminding me

that i am still so fleshy

a human of holes

and thinning bones.

but still

some high and holy mystery

fuels me.

it turns out that boobs solve most problems.

hungry like the wolf

The damage

i stayed loyal to a liar.

he left an ugly stain

like spreading ink

and black water.

killing

all the pretty

young

and fancy lilies.

a phantom limb,

the ache comes out of nowhere.

and i run away

my heart a sick liver.

a stunned

and bleeding baby

a swollen lip

a fever.

my old flame

and my palms on the burner.

that long and lost year

in his corner.

The promise

i have learned so many lessons.

they have come at me

like knives-

me the spinning wheel-a-girl.

with the closed eyes.

determined to be experienced

i held a shimmy grip as i climbed

the authority of the wind

pulling at me like a riptide

leaving pieces of my insides

that i wore on the outside

on the mountainside.

i made a bed of rocks

and ran back towards the shortcut

only to find a desert

dried and moonless.

one set of footprints

one year of thirst.

i have been thrown.

trampled.

punched

and drowned.

dragged lifeless to the shore

and forced back down

only to jump in

the shark rigged water

the dark ring.

i crawl home again

bruised and bleeding

beaten.

but he is a gentle lesson.

a sweet reminder

that life is a kiss on the steps.

life is a constant beginning

it is unexpected innocence

it is.

innocence.

that you can expect

you never would have believed it

if promised.

which it is.

promised.

i promise you. you are innocent.